Changes

Hi. It's that moment when I had a morning reflection and thought... this could not be my life. Wake up, go to my 9-5. Warning... if you are a co-worker and you're reading this - read without judgement. You may not want to read this simply because you may misinterpret what I'm saying. And I'm not going to take my time to read and re read what I'm writing to try to appease you. No offense. If you choose to read, then read on Reader. Anyway, as I was saying... reached a point where I think a change is necessary in my life because I can't see this happening for another ten years. Or five. Maybe two. Maybe two. But also I can see fear setting in of the "well then what next?" and also the facing the guilt of "do you know how much you spent on grad school??? why aren't you using that degree??? and why doesn't it seem as if you have plans to use your degree??" I spent 50grand on a degree that i thought I'd get a job in and enjoy. What happened after I defended my thesis? I realized I hate to be bothered. And sitting down in front of a computer all day editing something though i still have fond memories of working this way cause sometimes - ok - all the time - when editing i would get into this flow of putting this puzzle together - that's how I see the cut. Pieces of a puzzle. I enjoyed it. I won't lie but I see something i like even better. And I cannot pursue a job in my degree when I want a career doing something else. I don't want a 9-5 much less a 12-12. Cause that's what editing is... you go home from work and you're still working. No room for much else. Hypocrite? Me? Noooooo. So what if my second job right now is training to become a UFC fighter (development in baby stage but progressing nicely) and it takes up all of whatever time is left from after my 9-5. I enjoy every minute of it. Aren't I allowed to change my mind? When i decided to go for my master's it wasn't because I was compelled to. It was because my parents encouraged me to, with great intentions. They wanted - we wanted for me to have my degree before life took over and I no longer wanted to go back to school but at the time I wanted to do massage therapy. My mommsy couldn't see a career for me in it or a degree (the degree didn't exist then) so I went with what I could get a master's in. Point? I went after what seemed practical not after a passion. "This fighting business" as my loved ones so dub it, is a passion. Granted I have a another one - writing. I still have to finish my book. I want to self-publish it by the end of this year. I like my job. It has its moments where I'm like "this is so awesome" and it has its moments when I'm like " if this heifer don't back the f*** up... @!#$%^*&@&@^#" but who doesn't?? lol I'm bored now. You've all heard my philosophy on life and experiencing it. Nothing in this life should be permanent except family (spouse included). Everything else we should be able to keep moving forward and growing and changing. If your career is being a doctor, don't you want to keep within those fields of what can i do or learn next to get the most out of your profession? I want to fight. Write. Massage. Honestly... that's what i want. Fight. Write. Massage. And now Queensboro has a new program where you can get an Associate's in Massage Therapy. Did someone say school? Again? I have two years before I'm thirty. I'm not married. My only responsibility other than bills, is my car. I love my car. lol. Which means I still need a 9-5 to maintain the lifestyle. And who doesn't like cash in their pocket? And it's really one of two choices... maintain the 9-5 or find a sugar daddy. Don't judge me. lol. Soooooooo not looking to start school soon because I want to fight first and my time needs to go into training. After some fights I can get into school. It would take more than two years to finish because I'm not doing what I did with my masters. Back then I went to school full-time and worked full-time. Not again. My mental capacity isn't that big. What if I worked here part-time?? NOT NOW. But next year? Or the year after?? I don't care about the age thing anymore. But I do know I only have 7 more years to start having children and the doctor puts me in the "high-risk" group. But so what?? (Seven years might seem long but ummm... marriage have to take place first... before marriage is dating... before dating is... you get the point... and I have no interest in rushing one after the next, neither with children). I did that with Grad school. I'm not doing it again. Because this time, it will be a lifetime regret. Not just a financial one. So I'm going to take my time with all my decisions and just keep moving forward slowly but surely. And move with my passion. My choices. My wants. My passions. Common denominator? "My" a.k.a. Me

Little Screws Inside My Head

Little Screws inside my head; some are tight and some are not. The looser one gets, the tighter the other holds and then my screws just don't know which way to go. There is an unseen clock that ticks inside my head; its small steps leave large imprints. What can I make of this clock and since when do clocks laugh? And why does this one insist on laughing at me?!? Its uneven hands point away from me and demands me to make moves when all I want to do is sit still and watch its performance. It thinks I don't know but when it thinks I'm not looking, that's when it spins away and all the hands dance with each other allowing things to happen that would never happen if I just sat there and stared at it. For with every tick was a laugh. And for every laugh I allowed the screws that I had control of to loosen and loosen. But as I loosened some screws, I had to tighten the rest. Like tuning a guitar and with the timer in the background, I keep tightening and loosening those screws until I get the right tune. And I'll keep tightening and loosening those screws until I get the right tune.