somewhere in between trying to find myself i gave up on the idea. nothing makes sense to me and i don't want to do anything; literally nothing. quiero a morir ...sometimes. my energy has been sapped. i feel dry. used up.
the idea of "Zen" doesn't exist for me anymore. I don't feel the inner peace. All I feel is strain and struggle. I hear my inner voice calling out to me asking to be saved and yet the first thought to wake me up in the morning (no exaggeration) was a voice telling me "Why bother to wake up. You could just sleep - forever" With that said I opened my eyes and fought the devilish voice. But it scared me. Why would I ask that to myself? Do I really want to leave this world so soon, so badly? Why?
I don't know what's going on but I know I need to figure it out and eventually maybe I'll get back on the path to Zen.
one thing missing...someone to share the experience with. (roomates not included)
ReplyDeleteDon't "try" to find yourself...you already ARE.
ReplyDeleteTaoism has this term called "wu wei", and it means "effortless doing" or "action without action". I like this term because it is the fundamental aspect of Taoism. I say all of this to say that Zen, and the Tao, or Christianity for that matter, is not a goal...its a path...a path that you're already ON...you could never NOT be on that path. Take everything as it comes...be closed to nothing...put forth No resistance and negativity will flow through you instead of against you...if that makes any sense. Your inner voice is calling out asking to be saved...but so is everyone else...we're all fighting the same demons...its just that we all pretend to be fine on the outside...so don't worry..some days are good...some days are bad...hold onto nothing because everything will soon be gone...and as Buddhism teaches...attachment leads to suffering.
Inner peace come from working hard and something you love while not taking what happens to you too seriously. You'll be fine. I'm fighting the same battle over here so I know where ure coming from..but again...This too Shall Pass....promise.
omg. just read this by accident. but then again, sometimes i believe there are no accidents. thank you Ian. yes! you make sense. it's so funny how I just wrote the same "some days are good...some days are bad..." on another blog w/o reading this one first. and yes, this too shall pass. i hope you are listening to yourself too.
ReplyDeletethank you for the comments :)