For sometime I have felt disconnected from myself and from my path. I didn't stop practicing but I did stop reading. And at times when I should have used practice, I turned to my old defense mechanisms - only to remember that this too is a part of the 'path'. I wasn't totally disconnected but there were inner struggles that led me to a breaking point. Hurtful but necessary. Not all breaking points need to be hurtful but I've only heard that ignorance is bliss and knowledge is power. But that's not what Zen is about. Zen is not about power. It's about awareness. I've wanted so badly to feel justified about my recent pains that I forgot about Being Kindness. I forgot to look within. I didn't even consider what the other person was/is going through. I just looked at my pain. I ignored the emotions and went straight to the "I'm not being treated fairly." And I think that sentence alone is one that is 'unfair'. It is unfair because it's a surface thought with no intention of an understanding. And it hurts just saying it even if nothing is going on.
According to Ezra Bayda, author of "Zen Heart," our blaming others and anger towards others is a form of power struggle. I think it's an internal struggle that ignores both the real self and the other person involved. I really like Ezra's writing in this book because he talks a lot about remembering to look within and remembering the core of Being Kindness. It's a peaceful thought to treat others with love even when you may not get that in return. Or even better, I think, it's peaceful to treat others with love without expecting anything in return. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't feel anything. It just lessens the pressure on you and the expectations of the other person.
I'm usually not specific about what I'm going through and even with specifics, I never give 100% details of what's going on in any of my blogs. But I will say, the person I was recently involved with may be thinking (in my head - I must recognize that these are my thoughts) that there is no way I could be on a Zen path because I tend to let my emotions get the best of me. And I do. I'm working on it. And I felt guilty and sad and a lot of other negative emotions because I allowed other thoughts to maneuver its way into my head but then I thought about it again - I'm on a path. I'm not there. And when you think you're there, I've read that that's when you realize you're still learning, and I said to myself - "Who gets to enjoy the music of a musician? The neighbors next door to them or the people at the performance?" Lol. He was my teacher. Not my enemy. I was his - whether he noticed it or not. The teachers will always see the growth, the faults, the frustrations... not giving my or his actions/reactions an excuse. But not beating us up about it either.
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