all alone

pain is a mental notion that can hurt with just a thought
minds tricks we tend to blame on others
usually stem from our own fears first
in order to leave such a harsh imprint buried within our chest cavities

*"The Sound of Silence"

when silence surrounds me, it is loud. but only when i don't want it.
silence can bring peace but peace is disrupted once the inner soul realizes
that solitude is real.
but sometimes there is a thing called "too much" and too much is just much too much.
i am not alone nor do i feel lonely.
but my solace has turned itself against me
beating down on my walls that i took so carefully to, to build.
(pause) my thoughts are racing faster than i can type
and internally there is a voice shouting
"Slow Down!  Woman Slow Down! (sigh) That's how you get hurt."
"Learn," it says to me, "learn to value you above all but learn to love all above you.
because only then will you learn what true love is."
This voice....it does not mean stalk, or **macko, or control....just, love.
but there is a reason i am awake. the irony -  i am asleep.
not a literal sleep but...anyway, just think about it.
it is the silence, that wonderful taunting sound of silence
that remains my overbearing reminder
that i am asleep while i am awake.


*though the song by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel was playing in my head, this has nothing to do with the song.
**to mind other people business but in a nosy unethical way (something to that effect)

Frustration within the Happiness

Frustrated by the judgments around me
Isolated by the decisions that I make
Just like everyone else...
I am happy in my frustration
Because in this frustration
My decisions are my own...
I wish they would just ask
Instead of speculate...
Then maybe, maybe they would understand specifically me
Opposing the general me as if I were everyone else including them...
A wish - just like everyone else...
Then I guess generally they are just like me and I am only the mirror...
They mirror me...
My thoughts randomize in order to try over-standing what They think of me...and why..
A conversation in the mind - cognitive, non-verbal...
I wish it were verbal...
Maybe it will be-
But not before
Not before the frustration within the happiness is removed and replaced-
Replaced with serene love and understanding of the individual
And not a generalization

Film In Progress

I have decided to stop being mad at my College for wasting my time and loans.  I have a degree that must be finished.  I will take my career into my own hands.  I know what needs to be done.  And my body is already used to staying up until five in the morning.  So, tonight, at 1:46 A.M. I'm going to go to sleep now.  But tomorrow night/late night, it's down to business.  why waste time being up to watch television?  I've studied every show that I love.  I can see the cuts.  I can see the mistakes.  I admire the transitions and make mental notes about what I would like to try and a different set of mental notes of what not to try.  So all I have to do now, is allow myself to try.

Thesis Update

I've decided to hold off on defending tomorrow.  Time is a thing that rushes us but should not be rushed.  I know it's the right thing to do. If I don't trust and believe in my choices then I would be lost forever trying to follow what others want for me and then punishing myself for not living up to their standards. I'm good.

Disney and the Thesis: Yes I'm complaining (again)

I've been working on this thesis and it's been driving me crazy. A part of me doesn't want it done and the other part of me I just want to get it done to get it out of the way. I find it ridiculous that Media Arts students have to do a thesis so maybe the whole me doesn't even respect the fact that the school is asking for one. granted it's not a big thesis: it's an integrated thesis with theory and production. So you could do 50/50 70/30 or 30/70. I don't want to do neither. I'm upset with myself. Two years ago I was like a warrior Zombie. No sleep...well little sleep like two or three hours. I was a full time student and full time worker... Mostly A(s) some B(s) but in the end they were all A(s) and I was good. Now that I'm not working...I stay awake until 4 or 5 AM but I fall asleep wake up three hours later and instead of doing what I have to do my body betrays me and falls back to sleep for another three hours. I'm pissed. I wanted to do this defense next week but I don't see it happening. I used to have support with these kind of emotional breakdowns and was used to the emotional support but now like the liberated woman these feminists want me to be I have to provide my own emotional support. Because now my surrounding just tell me to suck it up and I tell you, believe you me, for a Cancer sign, this is not easily digested. Maybe it would be better to just accept the few more months to complete the thesis; it's not like it would change my graduation date. One of the professors tell me that doing the thesis should not be torture. Well lady as much as I like and respect you let me tell you (indirectly...lol) it is. And asking media arts students who are into production to do a stupid paper is ludicrous. I'm an Editor, a film editor. There are more serious degrees that don't require theses and they allow their students the option of taking extra classes to make up for it. I think as media arts students two extra production classes or two extra theory classes - whichever be your poison - should be the requirement for graduation. not this shit.

How to Maintain Zen pt. 1

Accept what is happening by acknowledging your own presence and situation. Be aware of your own feelings without judging them or the feelings of others. Acknowledge your feelings without trying t o change them: for changing them would mean finding fault and finding fault would mean you have judged. Acknowledgement of the feeling. Ezra Bayda (I think that is the last name) says to keep your consciousness for at least three breaths, at least to start off, and then if you cannot resist it, allow yourself to go back into the "phased out self" (that's what I call it when you go back into auto mode - you know, when you're not paying attention to anything/one.)

The "Phased Out Self" is the mind's way of self-protection from over-stimulation. So automatically you shut yourself off from the outside world in order to keep functioning. Ironically at this point the mind over floods itself with many thoughts at once so that there is no focus on any particular matter. And on a contradictory note, you would go to classes like yoga or pilates to learn how to shut those "voices" or random thoughts out and be present in the moment.