Following Up

Read the post about two back, wow... October seemed so far away when contemplating the events that happened between then and now. As opposed to a month/two, it seemed like it was much earlier this year. "What a difference a day makes," agrees Mat Kearney. Lol. I don't miss that individual anymore. Too much has happened. There's nothing for me to miss and I've long moved on. I'm still working on "Explicitly Yours..." and it's kind of at a halt for now but in fairness to me, it hasn't been a year as yet that I started writing the project. So many questions that I need to be able to answer to myself like, "Do I name my character?" "Should I keep everyone's name ambiguous?" Ah! Food's here. Got to run :)

Murky Waters

Emerging thoughts occupy my mind
as your face swims through the lanes of my brain
Leave me alone if I am never to see you again
Bless me with your presence if you and I are connected eternally
Follow my thoughts
Do you think the same?
As I drown in you
The laps you pull in strength overflows
the pool of thoughts from my mind
straight into the depths of my being
This is unfair
as I barely make a splash in your waters
This is unfair
I never learned how to swim in someone else's pool

#Classic #FactAboutMe

I've always said it's good to keep a journal/blog - anything that expresses your thoughts, written somewhere, anywhere, for you to find. I just read some stuff from last year on this site, exactly a year ago, and it's so funny I saw what I was going to step into and thought I would avoid it. But I didn't. The more I tried to run, the more I slipped and fell, fell hard. I don't miss the people I used to miss a year ago. As a matter of fact I saw myself falling for someone else and to put things in a simple metaphor: I saw the truck coming but was stuck like a deer in headlights and I got hit. I got hit baaaad. lol. He compared us to two birds  - or was it one?? - on a snowy roof top. I can write this here b/c i more than believe he will never read this. lol. But yeah, bird on a rooftop snowboarding. It was really an incredible thing to see. And when he showed it to me and said that was us, I said to him that to me it looked like if the bird/birds (I can't remember if it was one or two) just kept doing the same thing over and over expecting something else to happen and yet ended up... oh - what I said was "a fun ride that will never go anywhere..." After he got upset lol he said to me quite some time after that it was something that was happening that you would never expect to happen. In retrospect, we were both right. I never expected it to happen and it never went anywhere. Ha. - That was a solemn "ha." I miss him.

#MAkeITZen

It's funny the assumptions I receive when people hear the word "Zen." The automated responses are "This girl is a Buddhist." "She's not following God." "She's straying from her own religion."

Recently one of my greatest friends told me that he could not use my trademark "MakeITZen" because it's "against [his] religion." Not mentioning your name or the project (cause I know you're probably reading this lol). And we will talk about it on our own but this is a part of the path so I've decided to blog about it.  Anywhooo...

I cannot speak on Buddhism because I haven't studied it as I've studied my own religion. I understand 'Zen' (putting it in quotation marks is driving me nuts) is a part of Buddhism. Zen is a practice of awareness. It is about paying attention to yourself, others, and the connection that we all share with one another taking out the idea of a "separate self" and, honestly, to me, also a practice of empathy - one I'm practicing.  From what I've noticed about all religions is that they all speak of a sense of connectedness, of being one with each other. So I cannot begin to understand Zen being against any religion. Another friend, who practices the same religion as the other, said that Meditating was against their religion. I don't think everyone understands what meditation is used for. Or maybe it's me who do not comprehend the concept and I am under some sort of illusion that this does not go against God. If anything, I find that it would bring us closer to God, the more we meditate. Prayers are meant to be said in a quiet space. If you chant an aphorism or other, can you not find the similarities in what you are saying in both?

By all means my intention is not to stray away from extending compassion towards my friends who cannot or choose not to understand Zen but to acknowledge my own thoughts towards this comment that obviously remained with me. ALSO I am not saying that I am right and they are wrong. This is all matters of opinions.

I will leave this blog though with one of my favorite quotes:
"No one path can lay claim to the truth." ~ Ezra Bayda

All comments are welcomed.

Traveling the path of Zen

For sometime I have felt disconnected from myself and from my path. I didn't stop practicing but I did stop reading. And at times when I should have used practice, I turned to my old defense mechanisms - only to remember that this too is a part of the 'path'. I wasn't totally disconnected but there were inner struggles that led me to a breaking point. Hurtful but necessary. Not all breaking points need to be hurtful but I've only heard that ignorance is bliss and knowledge is power. But that's not what Zen is about. Zen is not about power. It's about awareness. I've wanted so badly to feel justified about my recent pains that I forgot about Being Kindness. I forgot to look within. I didn't even consider what the other person was/is going through. I just looked at my pain. I ignored the emotions and went straight to the "I'm not being treated fairly." And I think that sentence alone is one that is 'unfair'.  It is unfair because it's a surface thought with no intention of an understanding. And it hurts just saying it even if nothing is going on.

According to Ezra Bayda, author of "Zen Heart," our blaming others and anger towards others is a form of power struggle. I think it's an internal struggle that ignores both the real self and the other person involved. I really like Ezra's writing in this book because he talks a lot about remembering to look within and remembering the core of Being Kindness. It's a peaceful thought to treat others with love even when you may not get that in return. Or even better, I think, it's peaceful to treat others with love without expecting anything in return. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't feel anything. It just lessens the pressure on you and the expectations of the other person.

I'm usually not specific about what I'm going through and even with specifics, I never give 100% details of what's going on in any of my blogs. But I will say, the person I was recently involved with  may be thinking (in my head - I must recognize that these are my thoughts) that there is no way I could be on a Zen path because I tend to let my emotions get the best of me. And I do. I'm working on it. And I felt guilty and sad and a lot of other negative emotions because I allowed other thoughts to maneuver  its way into my head but then I thought about it again - I'm on a path. I'm not there. And when you think you're there, I've read that that's when you realize you're still learning, and I said to myself - "Who gets to enjoy the music of a musician? The neighbors next door to them or the people at the performance?" Lol. He was my teacher. Not my enemy. I was his - whether he noticed it or not. The teachers will always see the growth, the faults, the frustrations... not giving my or his actions/reactions an excuse. But not beating us up about it either.

From the Mind of a Subject

I'm tired of being the subject of your blogs
Hidden messages and repetitions of how I blatantly disregard you
Yet you cannot say my name.
I'm tired of being the subject on your matters
Because face to face you're smiling and you're nodding
But when you put finger to keyboard, you then state your case.
Talk to me.
Address me.
Stop putting me out there -
a man with no place of defense because your followers do not know me but judge me
F*** them.
When it's me and you, it's real.
But then your over-thinking becomes overbearing and you ruin what I hold dear to me.
If your blogs would match your words I would have no reason to stare at you awkwardly.
Supposedly,
It's your mouth that ruins the messages because when it's just thought and output you speak it so clearly.
Maybe you should just try to understand me better instead of putting me - no! - caging me in this box where you would like to label me but when the label doesn't fit the description you're staring at me with tears in yours eyes.
I have to let you walk away because when you're staring with tears neither you or I are thinking clearly.
Dearly Anandi,
You stain my feelings for you day by day when you destruct what we have taken our time to construct;
And that's not fair.
I'm tired of being the subject of your blogs.
Your objectification insults me.
Just talk to me.

I Miss You

I missed you today.
I opened my eyes and saw someone looking back at me
Made me avert my glance because I did not recognize this stranger staring at me
Staring at me with squinted eyes and an awkward gaze
So I walked away
But when I turned to the side
I thought I saw you again
So I looked, but it was only this same stranger, looking back at me
with no words to say
Sadness overshadowed me and taunted me with imaginary replicas of you that followed me
Replaying in my mind over and over, that stranger watching me
But he looked so much like you
Whomever he was, he wasn't you
Because you would never let me walk away from you
Or from us.
I don't like strangers.
The audacity of this man to wear your face and flaunt your cologne
Only to see the look upon my face
And to watch me walk away

I missed you today.

I opened my eyes and saw someone looking back at me

Made me avert my glance because I did not recognize this stranger staring at me

But he looked so much like you

Whomever he was, he wasn't you

Because you would never let me walk away from you

Or from us.

I don't like strangers.