Thought of

as i lay there staring up at my dark ceiling
i'm wondering if any of my actions would lead to my desired outcomes
i don't even know what they are
strange enough i'm not confused
at least i don't think so
it's hard to directly express my feelings
bound by the fears of what others might think
i'm inhaling the smoke of my cigarette stick
allowing the clouds of its effects to encircle my mind
exhaling, i deceive myself into believing
that i've exhaled all the negative energy out
but all i've really done is trap it inside of me
i think negatively
especially when it comes to me
but change, i would like to change that thought
to a positive one
i don't look back because life always moves forward
but as i lay here
the thoughts of you dominates all others
and i remember us
someone asked me if i purposely stay absent to make the heart grow fonder
but i ask u, isn't it "out of sight, out of mind?"
not that i want to be out of mind
just saying that the previous question has its own contradiction
fast forward one year
i'm excited to just wonder what things would be like
but if i know now then to what do i have to look forward
a friend of mines likes to tell me
i have a problem with instant gratification
i want it, all the time
she must be right
i gave myself up so easily because of my eagerness
and now what is there to look forward?
no chase, no courting...
my thoughts are all entangled
meditation is the key
to release all these thoughts pent up inside of me
i know what i want
i just hope i still want it when i get it