Thesis Update

I've decided to hold off on defending tomorrow.  Time is a thing that rushes us but should not be rushed.  I know it's the right thing to do. If I don't trust and believe in my choices then I would be lost forever trying to follow what others want for me and then punishing myself for not living up to their standards. I'm good.

Disney and the Thesis: Yes I'm complaining (again)

I've been working on this thesis and it's been driving me crazy. A part of me doesn't want it done and the other part of me I just want to get it done to get it out of the way. I find it ridiculous that Media Arts students have to do a thesis so maybe the whole me doesn't even respect the fact that the school is asking for one. granted it's not a big thesis: it's an integrated thesis with theory and production. So you could do 50/50 70/30 or 30/70. I don't want to do neither. I'm upset with myself. Two years ago I was like a warrior Zombie. No sleep...well little sleep like two or three hours. I was a full time student and full time worker... Mostly A(s) some B(s) but in the end they were all A(s) and I was good. Now that I'm not working...I stay awake until 4 or 5 AM but I fall asleep wake up three hours later and instead of doing what I have to do my body betrays me and falls back to sleep for another three hours. I'm pissed. I wanted to do this defense next week but I don't see it happening. I used to have support with these kind of emotional breakdowns and was used to the emotional support but now like the liberated woman these feminists want me to be I have to provide my own emotional support. Because now my surrounding just tell me to suck it up and I tell you, believe you me, for a Cancer sign, this is not easily digested. Maybe it would be better to just accept the few more months to complete the thesis; it's not like it would change my graduation date. One of the professors tell me that doing the thesis should not be torture. Well lady as much as I like and respect you let me tell you (indirectly...lol) it is. And asking media arts students who are into production to do a stupid paper is ludicrous. I'm an Editor, a film editor. There are more serious degrees that don't require theses and they allow their students the option of taking extra classes to make up for it. I think as media arts students two extra production classes or two extra theory classes - whichever be your poison - should be the requirement for graduation. not this shit.

How to Maintain Zen pt. 1

Accept what is happening by acknowledging your own presence and situation. Be aware of your own feelings without judging them or the feelings of others. Acknowledge your feelings without trying t o change them: for changing them would mean finding fault and finding fault would mean you have judged. Acknowledgement of the feeling. Ezra Bayda (I think that is the last name) says to keep your consciousness for at least three breaths, at least to start off, and then if you cannot resist it, allow yourself to go back into the "phased out self" (that's what I call it when you go back into auto mode - you know, when you're not paying attention to anything/one.)

The "Phased Out Self" is the mind's way of self-protection from over-stimulation. So automatically you shut yourself off from the outside world in order to keep functioning. Ironically at this point the mind over floods itself with many thoughts at once so that there is no focus on any particular matter. And on a contradictory note, you would go to classes like yoga or pilates to learn how to shut those "voices" or random thoughts out and be present in the moment.

Back on the Path

My goal has been set. I can see the end of the race. Loving that I don't care who is next to me as I finish this milestone in my life. My essentials are here. If I continued life listening to those who told me that i couldn't, I would never know how good it feels to prove them wrong. I will live my life and Make It Zen. Some days are bad, some days are ugly, but the good days and the sweet maple syrup buttercup days overrules them all.

Night. I have my paper to go finish.

The idea of "Zen" disappeared for me

somewhere in between trying to find myself i gave up on the idea. nothing makes sense to me and i don't want to do anything; literally nothing. quiero a morir ...sometimes. my energy has been sapped. i feel dry. used up.

the idea of "Zen" doesn't exist for me anymore. I don't feel the inner peace. All I feel is strain and struggle. I hear my inner voice calling out to me asking to be saved and yet the first thought to wake me up in the morning (no exaggeration) was a voice telling me "Why bother to wake up. You could just sleep - forever" With that said I opened my eyes and fought the devilish voice. But it scared me. Why would I ask that to myself? Do I really want to leave this world so soon, so badly? Why?

I don't know what's going on but I know I need to figure it out and eventually maybe I'll get back on the path to Zen.

My Fairy Tale Issues and why Real life doesn't help

So I have one month to finish this thesis for this Master's I'm doing at LIU and it's based on how Disney (style, not Walt Disney, the man) has influenced not just me but other American girls (and apparently not just American girls according to my research) on choices towards the search for a "healthy" relationship. In my paper that I am writing, I wrote:

Women "go to sleep" (i.e. Sleeping Beauty) awaiting their Prince Charming to find them (to awaken them - think about the 2003 song "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence where the singer desperately sings to her partner to "wake [her] up inside")  or allow themselves to be trapped in relationships with men hoping to turn their Frogs into Princes, or worse, turn into Ogresses to fit their Ogres (Shrek, DreamWorks, not Disney). But this ingrained idea of "must find my true love" surpasses Disney and their tales.

Now I'm just freaking out about what to do after I officially finish this damn thesis. Ugh!