Me and You

I've come to realize that the relationship between the writer and the reader is simple. Whether the writer writes to the world or to one person, the reader believes that the writer is addressing them. The reader is the one who gives the writing the personal touch. The imagined conversation. The hurtful disrespect. And even the loving praise. >pause<

I feel dizzy...AGAIN. Should I get that checked out?
>pause<  Sorry. I'll be fine.

Ignore that. The indirect yet personal relationship as you can see is clearly defined by what is expressed. The reader really controls what happens after they have seen the writer in figurative nude. Ignore, or not to ignore. Respond or not to respond. It is the prime example of a one-sided relationship in which both parties take responsibilities for their actions. A writer may not look for feedback but they continue to give. Maybe the way you show your attention isn't the same as the way I give my attention to you. I will still continue to address you.  Unequally proportioned is still in proportion just not divided out into ways that correspond with the normal voice of society. But what is "normal"? >pause< Different topic, some other time.

If I was ever worried about what you thought of me I would continue to cross my i(s) and dot my t(s). I didn't mix them up so read it again. But I appreciate the relationship between you and me. You the reader, and I, the one who speaks to you intimately. 

"Imprint" and other thoughts

All day long I just wanted to write. Write. Write. And then write some more. There's a book I'm going to publish by the time I'm 40. It's already written. I just want to edit it some more. It's going to take this while to publish because it's supposed to show progression. Whether progression into great possibilities or despair, it is a story to be told. But that's not what I wanted to write about tonight. Tonight's topic is "imprint". Spent some time alone today. It felt good. Healthy. Satisfying. >small pause< Peaceful. Not implying that my time with others differ, but it felt good to know self-comfort is still affordable and pleasurable. Lol ) Listening to Coldplay, "We Never Change". It's a soothing song. Martin's voice. I love it. "We never change, do we? We never learn, do we?" I wonder if someone's "imprinted" on me? Wouldn't I know? Or would I be scared to admit it? Javier is singing to me now :) Anyway... the whole idea, and anyone who is a fan of Twilight will understand me...the whole idea behind one imprinting on another, is honestly the simplest form of "Love at first sight". Paraphrasing here, it's basically, gravity feeling nonexistent, you know this person is for you, you want to be everything to this person and the feelings are definitely mutual. No if(s), and(s), or but(s) about it. Oh Disney how you've plagued me. And I continue to want this plague of deceit because it makes my mind calmer that this person exists. So then would it really be deceit? Maybe if I was totally a cynical ass I would say so. But I understand that both statements, former and latter, are just opinions.

Dear Emotions....

I thought we had this conversation already?!?!!!!

2012, the end of the world?

2010 was the worst year of my life. so bad - i won't even talk about it. 2011 came into my life and things changed drastically. shit still happened and went wrong but mentally i was elsewhere. far past 2010. and yet traces of it remain with me. i set myself up on these emotional roller coasters and a few weeks ago i had the best dream ever. i dreamed the roller coaster broke. i said good bye to relationships that didn't work and i got off. i got off the roller coaster. >sigh & pause< i'm happy about that.anyway... so 2011...my leading lady, The Leading Lady of my life passed away. My Grandmother. And with her death, All My Children was canceled; Oprah AND Regis retired; and the corner store on St. John's and Washington burned down. Lol : / i know it sound tsilly but it just feels that - idk what it feels like. maybe i'm just missing my lady. i'm not disrespecting her by missing her. There are ppl in my life who are alive and sometimes i miss them too. >pause< if 2012 is to be the end of the world i wouldn't be ungrateful for the life i've had. not even ungrateful for the fucked up shit i've endured. that's all a part of life. i have more than a lot to outshine the shit. i digress. if 2012 were to be the end, i'd be sad/pissed. we as God's children aren't supposed to want to remain on this earth, in these bodies. but there are still some things that i want for myself. things i still want to experience. i may not be curious about a lot, but life, i'm curious about that. lol. some ppl have strict goals in life. they know exactly what they want to do, some actually get it done, some look forward to a pension. my goal in life is just to enjoy it. so yeah i may change relationships and career options like i do my toothbrush but i don't deny myself the chance to enjoy it and give it my all while it lasts. and that may just be my blessing and curse but i am who i am. anyway.... i'm just curious.

Other Woman

i listen to the thoughts interlocked with your hair. playfully pulling at the strands asking your dna to remember me and remember the feeling u are having right now. hunger for food that could never be, would never be store-bought because the only place that it comes from is the restaurant called "In Btn My Legs". inhale the remnants of the passion that is between us. can you blame me for not getting enough?


This isn't finished. i'm working on it. lol. i uhhh...got a figurative kick when i was talking with someone and unfortunately the initial thoughts at the time weren't recorded and i'm trying to get it back in my head. >pause< well that hardly ever happens if ever. the title was enticed by a contradicting flirtatious interaction - at least in my complicated head it was - and honestly the thought just flowed from there. i try to impersonalize my writing and throw things off by talking about different experiences direct/indirect so that my personal life remains that way. so plz, read but try not to read into. experience the thought from your own mind/experiences. and if u do decide to put urself in the shoes of this character, don't tie the shoelaces too tight. it puts the wrong indents in the shoes.  

Good by e FBook

I haven't been on Fbook for days now. It's not that I don't care about the lives of my "friends" or friends. I've just had enough of being bombarded about things that aren't really that important like "OMG did you see that dog?" or "too" important things like ....idk whatever. The point is... other than writing these blogs I have no interest of going through hours of staring at this computer when I could be living life outside and living life. Enjoying it. And when I'm done with outside, my relaxation shouldn't BE coming home to my computer and reading other ppl drama. It's just too much. I don't even watch the damn news when I come home. I have a second part-time job as a Passion Party Consultant and though the money potential is huge, I'm having a hardddd time (incl now) going online to read up on what I need to do. It feels like studying all over again and I just don't want to be bothered when I come home. Shit sometimes this blog just becomes an outlet and there's nothing but crap here. Wellll....some of it I'm happy to claim as "not crap". Is that what FB is supposed to be? A blog outlet? ehhhh...unnecessary. There's no way someone can keep up with all those ppl all at once and not feel overwhelmed. I thought about reasons to keep Fb and honestly none of them could persuade me to keep the damn thing. There's still email, Skype, and Google Chat. And when I'm done with this blog, because I will be done with this blog one day, I will always revert back to my old friends, Pen and Paper.  >long pause< There is one reason to keep the book page but it's honestly very shallow. It's the silent way of "spying"but WHO the hell am I kidding? I stopped doing that around my 20th birthday. I just couldn't care about ppl and dey bullshit. If I thought I had to "spy" then I would. Now! If I think I have to "spy" I run! Lol. I'm paranoid as i have no idea what and I'm not going to drive myself even crazier by trying to decipher someone else's personal shit. My curiosity for ppl isn't that high anymore. Shit. My curiosity for anything isn't that high anymore. I'll admit I was going through a slight depression for a while some months back and that did have its time period on me but I digress. Lol. Fb served whatever purpose it had in my life. Met some interesting ppl there. Some I will never forget. Had my lil modeling thing going - which reminds me I need to go up there to download my pics :( but now.... now everything is as they always will be which is "no condition in life ever stays the same" and the time for Fb for me, is over. The purpose for Fb, for me, is over.

Untitled blabber

this is the only place where i find solace now. church is too public. talking takes too much energy. and honestly i just want to be quiet. i understand what my issues are and i have my ways about me, nothing abnorm from anybody else. i think i'll revert to being within my own being. this is not "from him" this is me.... there is no need for websites for me like FBook i was never that curious about ppl and their lives. sounds selfish now that i've re read that. but anyone who knows me will know i didn't mean that in a negative way. but whatehhver. not into modeling anymore. it no longer makes me smile. i like the camera but it no likey me. that's not a misspelling i know what i said. it no likey me. i like being here in the dark just expressing random shit that crosses my mind. but eventually i'll drop this too and go back to writing my feelings down in a book and leaving these public spaces for... well.... public shit. -long pause- was wondering if ppl know i still have a heart. kinda wanna keep it to myself. i was thinking about my girl friend. i had to curse her ass out tonight but she thought i was joking. damn dbl d heffa. (sigh) whatever. i'm going back to Martin. i'm being rude. he's singing to me and all i could do is think about being somewhere else.

Not Good Enough

sheltered into my own chest, disallowing myself to feel because feeling is a weakness. withdrawn as i am surrounded by people i could never be a part of nor would i want to be. we didn't work out but it never mattered anyway. it was never going to last beyond whatever that was. distanced by miles of misunderstandings and uttered foolishness. lacking the smoothness of a professional, there's only one direction to go and that is forward. it's cute the way she passes me by as if i never existed. she needs to affix maturity to that personality of hers. i'm not even thinking about her. but i know she thinks i am otherwise she wouldn't have written this blog.