Other Woman (Finished)

I had started this blog in November (15th). I promised myself I'd come back to it...so here goes...

I listen to the thoughts interlocked with your hair. playfully pulling at the strands, asking your DNA to remember me and remember the feeling u are having right now - hunger - hunger for food that could never be, would never be store-bought because the only place that it comes from is "In Your Heart and Mine". Inhale the remnants of the passion that is between us. Can you blame me for not getting enough?

But Greedy is your name. You found that I was not enough and The Other Woman, the younger woman, yes... I know about her, she plays the same game. I cannot pretend or lie. As I am here with you rested in between my legs relaxing on my Heavenly body, my soul cries out to yours forgetting its pride and inner strength. It doesn't want strength. It wants you. It doesn't want your drama. Just you. And yet you remain deaf to its pleas as you are wrapped into the envelope of ignorance. But it is I who play with Ignorance as if he was my friend. Because I chose to ignore her, the other woman, and the fact that I will never be enough for you.

Tears fall down my face and touches yours, and like stone, you feel nothing, making me realize the person that you really are and not who I want you to be. The Other Woman, the younger woman, yes... I know about her...

rehab necessary

Sitting in my little cube thinking i need to learn to accept situations for what they are and not what I would like to romanticize them to be. if things could be as I want them, "he" (whoever that is) would be right for me. he would be who i want him to be but ironically contradictory who i want him to be is himself. And himself does not fit into my own reality. and apparently i don't fit into his. we both have nothing to offer the other. not in the long run. if it were so easy for things to be just because they could be: there could be world peace; there could be jobs for everybody; there could be food and water to share and money enough to pass around; marijuana not prescribed could be legal. but that doesn't mean that any of it is going to happen. What could, should, and would happen are all different things.

I was laughing at myself the other day. Big and bold I say every day about 5x a day, "Thy will be done..." and I had to laugh because the hypocrite in me refuses to accept that there is no "Anandi's will be done..." in that prayer. And when Thy will is done, I'm complaining that it's not good enough. Lol. How rude?!?

alien views

what if I were an alien? and every night I astro traveled and saw the future of everyone I knew and how each decision they made transformed every path of their lives adding/subtracting new tracks of possibilities. what if everyone who could read palms (Shout out to Amaury! if he ever reads this) or were dreamers (can't leak their identities) were actually aliens? advanced beings that possess gifts and skills that we normal humans have not yet begun to master. I imagine that there are alternate realities to our own that we may think of as "thoughts" and those "what -ifs" are actually happening but we believe them to be 'just thoughts' of the 'what if'.


just a thought.

Re-do

I had to rewrite the last page in the "Explicitly Yours..." Book/blog. It reminded me too much of a scene from "Waiting to Exhale". It's funny how when I tell ppl that the book is an erotic book the first name that comes up is Zane. I've never read a Zane book but I have heard of the infamous author and I am very well aware of the books. I am planning on reading them but maybe after I write this one. Don't want anything to subconsciously seep through any of what I'm writing.

Smile for Me

A smile can say so many things and mean so many other different things that it's slightly amusing the things you can get away with once you smile. I've heard the saying that you attract bees with honey, not vinegar, but if the bees knew that the end result was to steal their honey, would they still come? Don't take that statement literally. There's nothing I want to steal from anyone or harm them. I am just saying there are many times when I'm smiling and not all the time is it a good thing. I don't try to fake it. My face practically gives me away. It was just a thought as I was smiling all day and half the time had nothing to smile about. >shrug< lo que sea.

Thoughts of Thisday night

Thisday was not a mistake. To the average pop, few might think that I meant something that they're most familiar with just so it makes sense in their head instead of hearing or paying attention to what's coming from mine. But Thisday, Thisday was a sign; an epiphanic tap behind meh head that revealed the unattractive green horns protruding from my head - horns that i thought were broken a long time ago. >pause< I can still feel them. But as I acknowledged them I took them off like a poisoned tiara; it's not healthy....it's not who I am anymore. And it doesn't matter who says or thinks differently to that statement, the important part is how I look at it. And I say that's not me anymore. I keep being told how complicated i am/can be and honestly i don't agree. Simply complex in a manner of thoughts. My thoughts are scattered so it takes me some time and days even to process something fully - i believe there are others out there like me - and i like to talk out my thoughts obviously!  i can see it being overbearing at times, so sometimes i just don't say anything at all. i like this song "Paradise" Martin is singing to me :) i don't have the energy to fight. i don't have the energy to do anything but just simply be me. So Thisday night, I will continue to reflect on my thoughts and actions, how it effects me and those close to me, but in the privacy of my own reality away from this post. And when i stop thinking, Martin will just sing me to sleep :) a nice song on Thisday night about a girl who dreamt about paradise.

Explicitly Yours :P

So i decided to write one of my books on a blog in a blog-like manner. it's not the first book. unlike the rest, this one is completely fictional. all thoughts, ideas, and creations, including edits are all from the imagination of the voices living inside my head. sounds crazy but i think that's all authors, known and hiding, who writes that way. the power of imagination is mightier than the power of the present here and now because the imagination can change the future. period.  

"Supremacy"

was home today and a man and his woman came through the door. they held a gun and said that if there was an attempt to pick up the phone, if there was an attempt to leave, if anyone were told, someone would die.  no one knew if they were going to get raped, killed, or both. it all went on for what seemed like days but it was only 13 hours. couldn't cry. the fear was too strong. prayer. all that could've been done was prayer.... prayer..... prayer....

Director Deon Taylor (the Hustle and Chain Letter) tells the real horror story of what actually happened to this California family 17 years ago. Sounds like a long time now, doesn't it? But that was only 1994. And the unmistakeable fear and haunting feelings of hopelessness still pounds on this family. How they survived, how they were released from their own home as if it were a prison, Deon Taylor braves to tell this story the way the justice system sometimes forgets.  It comes out Fall 2012. I can't accept that this is "just another one of those stories." I can't accept that this is "just another attempt to bring up racism against black people." I cannot accept that this is another "cheap shot at the white man." Not when it's the truth. Not when it's happening now. I am not a racist. Nor do I promote racism other than saying i think we're all racist in some form or another. Trinidadians vs. Jamaicans; Indian against black; Black vs. White; Haitians and Dominicans (or whatever the next place is); Tall people against short people; homosexuals vs heterosexuals - you name it, it's there. ok fine, some things listed there is not "racism" b/c it's not against a "race" but you know what I mean.

I read in this ABC Zen book that once enlightened there is no way you can revert to being anything else. I'm going to watch this film.

today

i'm writing here right now right here right now right here because i don't know where else to turn. i don't know what else to do. all the time you thought i was talking to you but i wasn't and now i am and you're not even listening. you're not even listening. not anymore.

Explicitly Yours

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Make IT Zen

The thing about Make IT Zen is that it is not limited to what "IT" is. I guess that's why I keep the "IT" in CAPS because it doesn't matter what the topic/issue/discussion/feeling/project is.... whatever it is that you are doing or experiencing, make it zen. Make it become a peaceful part of your life. Any stress, any job, anything that may be negative or positive in your life, keep it as a positive. Keep learning. Life, in my opinion, isn't supposed to be a set straight line. Though that is what I keep praying for, my life would be so boring if it were that way. I want a not-so-complicated life and I'm going to keep striving for it. Ironically it's not even something to "strive" for; it's something just to be. A lot of Zen practices aren't about changing what is but more acknowledging it and move accordingly to how you see fit. I like adventure. I like change. But I have to "Break the Habit" like Linkin Park and move on. My life can still be adventurous w/o the negativity. Goo$e said one should not have to cause themselves pain in order to reawaken their life. It was a comment to a blog I wrote. Of course it's not what I meant but the twist also made sense and I am able to reapply the written thought to other parts of my life.