Back on the Path

My goal has been set. I can see the end of the race. Loving that I don't care who is next to me as I finish this milestone in my life. My essentials are here. If I continued life listening to those who told me that i couldn't, I would never know how good it feels to prove them wrong. I will live my life and Make It Zen. Some days are bad, some days are ugly, but the good days and the sweet maple syrup buttercup days overrules them all.

Night. I have my paper to go finish.

The idea of "Zen" disappeared for me

somewhere in between trying to find myself i gave up on the idea. nothing makes sense to me and i don't want to do anything; literally nothing. quiero a morir ...sometimes. my energy has been sapped. i feel dry. used up.

the idea of "Zen" doesn't exist for me anymore. I don't feel the inner peace. All I feel is strain and struggle. I hear my inner voice calling out to me asking to be saved and yet the first thought to wake me up in the morning (no exaggeration) was a voice telling me "Why bother to wake up. You could just sleep - forever" With that said I opened my eyes and fought the devilish voice. But it scared me. Why would I ask that to myself? Do I really want to leave this world so soon, so badly? Why?

I don't know what's going on but I know I need to figure it out and eventually maybe I'll get back on the path to Zen.

My Fairy Tale Issues and why Real life doesn't help

So I have one month to finish this thesis for this Master's I'm doing at LIU and it's based on how Disney (style, not Walt Disney, the man) has influenced not just me but other American girls (and apparently not just American girls according to my research) on choices towards the search for a "healthy" relationship. In my paper that I am writing, I wrote:

Women "go to sleep" (i.e. Sleeping Beauty) awaiting their Prince Charming to find them (to awaken them - think about the 2003 song "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence where the singer desperately sings to her partner to "wake [her] up inside")  or allow themselves to be trapped in relationships with men hoping to turn their Frogs into Princes, or worse, turn into Ogresses to fit their Ogres (Shrek, DreamWorks, not Disney). But this ingrained idea of "must find my true love" surpasses Disney and their tales.

Now I'm just freaking out about what to do after I officially finish this damn thesis. Ugh!