Other Woman (Finished)

I had started this blog in November (15th). I promised myself I'd come back to it...so here goes...

I listen to the thoughts interlocked with your hair. playfully pulling at the strands, asking your DNA to remember me and remember the feeling u are having right now - hunger - hunger for food that could never be, would never be store-bought because the only place that it comes from is "In Your Heart and Mine". Inhale the remnants of the passion that is between us. Can you blame me for not getting enough?

But Greedy is your name. You found that I was not enough and The Other Woman, the younger woman, yes... I know about her, she plays the same game. I cannot pretend or lie. As I am here with you rested in between my legs relaxing on my Heavenly body, my soul cries out to yours forgetting its pride and inner strength. It doesn't want strength. It wants you. It doesn't want your drama. Just you. And yet you remain deaf to its pleas as you are wrapped into the envelope of ignorance. But it is I who play with Ignorance as if he was my friend. Because I chose to ignore her, the other woman, and the fact that I will never be enough for you.

Tears fall down my face and touches yours, and like stone, you feel nothing, making me realize the person that you really are and not who I want you to be. The Other Woman, the younger woman, yes... I know about her...

rehab necessary

Sitting in my little cube thinking i need to learn to accept situations for what they are and not what I would like to romanticize them to be. if things could be as I want them, "he" (whoever that is) would be right for me. he would be who i want him to be but ironically contradictory who i want him to be is himself. And himself does not fit into my own reality. and apparently i don't fit into his. we both have nothing to offer the other. not in the long run. if it were so easy for things to be just because they could be: there could be world peace; there could be jobs for everybody; there could be food and water to share and money enough to pass around; marijuana not prescribed could be legal. but that doesn't mean that any of it is going to happen. What could, should, and would happen are all different things.

I was laughing at myself the other day. Big and bold I say every day about 5x a day, "Thy will be done..." and I had to laugh because the hypocrite in me refuses to accept that there is no "Anandi's will be done..." in that prayer. And when Thy will is done, I'm complaining that it's not good enough. Lol. How rude?!?

alien views

what if I were an alien? and every night I astro traveled and saw the future of everyone I knew and how each decision they made transformed every path of their lives adding/subtracting new tracks of possibilities. what if everyone who could read palms (Shout out to Amaury! if he ever reads this) or were dreamers (can't leak their identities) were actually aliens? advanced beings that possess gifts and skills that we normal humans have not yet begun to master. I imagine that there are alternate realities to our own that we may think of as "thoughts" and those "what -ifs" are actually happening but we believe them to be 'just thoughts' of the 'what if'.


just a thought.

Re-do

I had to rewrite the last page in the "Explicitly Yours..." Book/blog. It reminded me too much of a scene from "Waiting to Exhale". It's funny how when I tell ppl that the book is an erotic book the first name that comes up is Zane. I've never read a Zane book but I have heard of the infamous author and I am very well aware of the books. I am planning on reading them but maybe after I write this one. Don't want anything to subconsciously seep through any of what I'm writing.

Smile for Me

A smile can say so many things and mean so many other different things that it's slightly amusing the things you can get away with once you smile. I've heard the saying that you attract bees with honey, not vinegar, but if the bees knew that the end result was to steal their honey, would they still come? Don't take that statement literally. There's nothing I want to steal from anyone or harm them. I am just saying there are many times when I'm smiling and not all the time is it a good thing. I don't try to fake it. My face practically gives me away. It was just a thought as I was smiling all day and half the time had nothing to smile about. >shrug< lo que sea.

Thoughts of Thisday night

Thisday was not a mistake. To the average pop, few might think that I meant something that they're most familiar with just so it makes sense in their head instead of hearing or paying attention to what's coming from mine. But Thisday, Thisday was a sign; an epiphanic tap behind meh head that revealed the unattractive green horns protruding from my head - horns that i thought were broken a long time ago. >pause< I can still feel them. But as I acknowledged them I took them off like a poisoned tiara; it's not healthy....it's not who I am anymore. And it doesn't matter who says or thinks differently to that statement, the important part is how I look at it. And I say that's not me anymore. I keep being told how complicated i am/can be and honestly i don't agree. Simply complex in a manner of thoughts. My thoughts are scattered so it takes me some time and days even to process something fully - i believe there are others out there like me - and i like to talk out my thoughts obviously!  i can see it being overbearing at times, so sometimes i just don't say anything at all. i like this song "Paradise" Martin is singing to me :) i don't have the energy to fight. i don't have the energy to do anything but just simply be me. So Thisday night, I will continue to reflect on my thoughts and actions, how it effects me and those close to me, but in the privacy of my own reality away from this post. And when i stop thinking, Martin will just sing me to sleep :) a nice song on Thisday night about a girl who dreamt about paradise.

Explicitly Yours :P

So i decided to write one of my books on a blog in a blog-like manner. it's not the first book. unlike the rest, this one is completely fictional. all thoughts, ideas, and creations, including edits are all from the imagination of the voices living inside my head. sounds crazy but i think that's all authors, known and hiding, who writes that way. the power of imagination is mightier than the power of the present here and now because the imagination can change the future. period.  

"Supremacy"

was home today and a man and his woman came through the door. they held a gun and said that if there was an attempt to pick up the phone, if there was an attempt to leave, if anyone were told, someone would die.  no one knew if they were going to get raped, killed, or both. it all went on for what seemed like days but it was only 13 hours. couldn't cry. the fear was too strong. prayer. all that could've been done was prayer.... prayer..... prayer....

Director Deon Taylor (the Hustle and Chain Letter) tells the real horror story of what actually happened to this California family 17 years ago. Sounds like a long time now, doesn't it? But that was only 1994. And the unmistakeable fear and haunting feelings of hopelessness still pounds on this family. How they survived, how they were released from their own home as if it were a prison, Deon Taylor braves to tell this story the way the justice system sometimes forgets.  It comes out Fall 2012. I can't accept that this is "just another one of those stories." I can't accept that this is "just another attempt to bring up racism against black people." I cannot accept that this is another "cheap shot at the white man." Not when it's the truth. Not when it's happening now. I am not a racist. Nor do I promote racism other than saying i think we're all racist in some form or another. Trinidadians vs. Jamaicans; Indian against black; Black vs. White; Haitians and Dominicans (or whatever the next place is); Tall people against short people; homosexuals vs heterosexuals - you name it, it's there. ok fine, some things listed there is not "racism" b/c it's not against a "race" but you know what I mean.

I read in this ABC Zen book that once enlightened there is no way you can revert to being anything else. I'm going to watch this film.

today

i'm writing here right now right here right now right here because i don't know where else to turn. i don't know what else to do. all the time you thought i was talking to you but i wasn't and now i am and you're not even listening. you're not even listening. not anymore.

Explicitly Yours

Check out www.chosenremedy.blogspot. com
Join the site.  It just kicked off today. You won't regret it. It's not just a blog. It has a story line with an off timeline but in order to understand it, like any other book, you have to read it chapter by chapter. Join the site, share the blog, and encourage others to do the same.

no judgements. no alterations. no apologies.

Make IT Zen

The thing about Make IT Zen is that it is not limited to what "IT" is. I guess that's why I keep the "IT" in CAPS because it doesn't matter what the topic/issue/discussion/feeling/project is.... whatever it is that you are doing or experiencing, make it zen. Make it become a peaceful part of your life. Any stress, any job, anything that may be negative or positive in your life, keep it as a positive. Keep learning. Life, in my opinion, isn't supposed to be a set straight line. Though that is what I keep praying for, my life would be so boring if it were that way. I want a not-so-complicated life and I'm going to keep striving for it. Ironically it's not even something to "strive" for; it's something just to be. A lot of Zen practices aren't about changing what is but more acknowledging it and move accordingly to how you see fit. I like adventure. I like change. But I have to "Break the Habit" like Linkin Park and move on. My life can still be adventurous w/o the negativity. Goo$e said one should not have to cause themselves pain in order to reawaken their life. It was a comment to a blog I wrote. Of course it's not what I meant but the twist also made sense and I am able to reapply the written thought to other parts of my life.

Me and You

I've come to realize that the relationship between the writer and the reader is simple. Whether the writer writes to the world or to one person, the reader believes that the writer is addressing them. The reader is the one who gives the writing the personal touch. The imagined conversation. The hurtful disrespect. And even the loving praise. >pause<

I feel dizzy...AGAIN. Should I get that checked out?
>pause<  Sorry. I'll be fine.

Ignore that. The indirect yet personal relationship as you can see is clearly defined by what is expressed. The reader really controls what happens after they have seen the writer in figurative nude. Ignore, or not to ignore. Respond or not to respond. It is the prime example of a one-sided relationship in which both parties take responsibilities for their actions. A writer may not look for feedback but they continue to give. Maybe the way you show your attention isn't the same as the way I give my attention to you. I will still continue to address you.  Unequally proportioned is still in proportion just not divided out into ways that correspond with the normal voice of society. But what is "normal"? >pause< Different topic, some other time.

If I was ever worried about what you thought of me I would continue to cross my i(s) and dot my t(s). I didn't mix them up so read it again. But I appreciate the relationship between you and me. You the reader, and I, the one who speaks to you intimately. 

"Imprint" and other thoughts

All day long I just wanted to write. Write. Write. And then write some more. There's a book I'm going to publish by the time I'm 40. It's already written. I just want to edit it some more. It's going to take this while to publish because it's supposed to show progression. Whether progression into great possibilities or despair, it is a story to be told. But that's not what I wanted to write about tonight. Tonight's topic is "imprint". Spent some time alone today. It felt good. Healthy. Satisfying. >small pause< Peaceful. Not implying that my time with others differ, but it felt good to know self-comfort is still affordable and pleasurable. Lol ) Listening to Coldplay, "We Never Change". It's a soothing song. Martin's voice. I love it. "We never change, do we? We never learn, do we?" I wonder if someone's "imprinted" on me? Wouldn't I know? Or would I be scared to admit it? Javier is singing to me now :) Anyway... the whole idea, and anyone who is a fan of Twilight will understand me...the whole idea behind one imprinting on another, is honestly the simplest form of "Love at first sight". Paraphrasing here, it's basically, gravity feeling nonexistent, you know this person is for you, you want to be everything to this person and the feelings are definitely mutual. No if(s), and(s), or but(s) about it. Oh Disney how you've plagued me. And I continue to want this plague of deceit because it makes my mind calmer that this person exists. So then would it really be deceit? Maybe if I was totally a cynical ass I would say so. But I understand that both statements, former and latter, are just opinions.

Dear Emotions....

I thought we had this conversation already?!?!!!!

2012, the end of the world?

2010 was the worst year of my life. so bad - i won't even talk about it. 2011 came into my life and things changed drastically. shit still happened and went wrong but mentally i was elsewhere. far past 2010. and yet traces of it remain with me. i set myself up on these emotional roller coasters and a few weeks ago i had the best dream ever. i dreamed the roller coaster broke. i said good bye to relationships that didn't work and i got off. i got off the roller coaster. >sigh & pause< i'm happy about that.anyway... so 2011...my leading lady, The Leading Lady of my life passed away. My Grandmother. And with her death, All My Children was canceled; Oprah AND Regis retired; and the corner store on St. John's and Washington burned down. Lol : / i know it sound tsilly but it just feels that - idk what it feels like. maybe i'm just missing my lady. i'm not disrespecting her by missing her. There are ppl in my life who are alive and sometimes i miss them too. >pause< if 2012 is to be the end of the world i wouldn't be ungrateful for the life i've had. not even ungrateful for the fucked up shit i've endured. that's all a part of life. i have more than a lot to outshine the shit. i digress. if 2012 were to be the end, i'd be sad/pissed. we as God's children aren't supposed to want to remain on this earth, in these bodies. but there are still some things that i want for myself. things i still want to experience. i may not be curious about a lot, but life, i'm curious about that. lol. some ppl have strict goals in life. they know exactly what they want to do, some actually get it done, some look forward to a pension. my goal in life is just to enjoy it. so yeah i may change relationships and career options like i do my toothbrush but i don't deny myself the chance to enjoy it and give it my all while it lasts. and that may just be my blessing and curse but i am who i am. anyway.... i'm just curious.

Other Woman

i listen to the thoughts interlocked with your hair. playfully pulling at the strands asking your dna to remember me and remember the feeling u are having right now. hunger for food that could never be, would never be store-bought because the only place that it comes from is the restaurant called "In Btn My Legs". inhale the remnants of the passion that is between us. can you blame me for not getting enough?


This isn't finished. i'm working on it. lol. i uhhh...got a figurative kick when i was talking with someone and unfortunately the initial thoughts at the time weren't recorded and i'm trying to get it back in my head. >pause< well that hardly ever happens if ever. the title was enticed by a contradicting flirtatious interaction - at least in my complicated head it was - and honestly the thought just flowed from there. i try to impersonalize my writing and throw things off by talking about different experiences direct/indirect so that my personal life remains that way. so plz, read but try not to read into. experience the thought from your own mind/experiences. and if u do decide to put urself in the shoes of this character, don't tie the shoelaces too tight. it puts the wrong indents in the shoes.  

Good by e FBook

I haven't been on Fbook for days now. It's not that I don't care about the lives of my "friends" or friends. I've just had enough of being bombarded about things that aren't really that important like "OMG did you see that dog?" or "too" important things like ....idk whatever. The point is... other than writing these blogs I have no interest of going through hours of staring at this computer when I could be living life outside and living life. Enjoying it. And when I'm done with outside, my relaxation shouldn't BE coming home to my computer and reading other ppl drama. It's just too much. I don't even watch the damn news when I come home. I have a second part-time job as a Passion Party Consultant and though the money potential is huge, I'm having a hardddd time (incl now) going online to read up on what I need to do. It feels like studying all over again and I just don't want to be bothered when I come home. Shit sometimes this blog just becomes an outlet and there's nothing but crap here. Wellll....some of it I'm happy to claim as "not crap". Is that what FB is supposed to be? A blog outlet? ehhhh...unnecessary. There's no way someone can keep up with all those ppl all at once and not feel overwhelmed. I thought about reasons to keep Fb and honestly none of them could persuade me to keep the damn thing. There's still email, Skype, and Google Chat. And when I'm done with this blog, because I will be done with this blog one day, I will always revert back to my old friends, Pen and Paper.  >long pause< There is one reason to keep the book page but it's honestly very shallow. It's the silent way of "spying"but WHO the hell am I kidding? I stopped doing that around my 20th birthday. I just couldn't care about ppl and dey bullshit. If I thought I had to "spy" then I would. Now! If I think I have to "spy" I run! Lol. I'm paranoid as i have no idea what and I'm not going to drive myself even crazier by trying to decipher someone else's personal shit. My curiosity for ppl isn't that high anymore. Shit. My curiosity for anything isn't that high anymore. I'll admit I was going through a slight depression for a while some months back and that did have its time period on me but I digress. Lol. Fb served whatever purpose it had in my life. Met some interesting ppl there. Some I will never forget. Had my lil modeling thing going - which reminds me I need to go up there to download my pics :( but now.... now everything is as they always will be which is "no condition in life ever stays the same" and the time for Fb for me, is over. The purpose for Fb, for me, is over.

Untitled blabber

this is the only place where i find solace now. church is too public. talking takes too much energy. and honestly i just want to be quiet. i understand what my issues are and i have my ways about me, nothing abnorm from anybody else. i think i'll revert to being within my own being. this is not "from him" this is me.... there is no need for websites for me like FBook i was never that curious about ppl and their lives. sounds selfish now that i've re read that. but anyone who knows me will know i didn't mean that in a negative way. but whatehhver. not into modeling anymore. it no longer makes me smile. i like the camera but it no likey me. that's not a misspelling i know what i said. it no likey me. i like being here in the dark just expressing random shit that crosses my mind. but eventually i'll drop this too and go back to writing my feelings down in a book and leaving these public spaces for... well.... public shit. -long pause- was wondering if ppl know i still have a heart. kinda wanna keep it to myself. i was thinking about my girl friend. i had to curse her ass out tonight but she thought i was joking. damn dbl d heffa. (sigh) whatever. i'm going back to Martin. i'm being rude. he's singing to me and all i could do is think about being somewhere else.

Not Good Enough

sheltered into my own chest, disallowing myself to feel because feeling is a weakness. withdrawn as i am surrounded by people i could never be a part of nor would i want to be. we didn't work out but it never mattered anyway. it was never going to last beyond whatever that was. distanced by miles of misunderstandings and uttered foolishness. lacking the smoothness of a professional, there's only one direction to go and that is forward. it's cute the way she passes me by as if i never existed. she needs to affix maturity to that personality of hers. i'm not even thinking about her. but i know she thinks i am otherwise she wouldn't have written this blog.

Insomniac

I believe this "Make It Zen" blog can now officially be called "Random Blogs of the Insomniac". i laugh when I get emails from WebMD titled "How do you know if you're having problems sleeping?" Lol :/ how else other than you're not sleeping! :/ silly wabbits. so i made a new playlist tonight of a bunch of oldies with a few current oldies. songs of my mother's time mixed with songs of mine. 29 in total and in the end i just have one on repeat. smh. as my family faces death again as an old friend, life is constantly being brought to the forefront. how i'm living it, how i'm not, what were the older generation doing at my age...things of that nature. "lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and i will try to fix you..." my fav ln in the song. "tears stream down your face when you lose something you could not replace." i have a cousin who used to do this. whenever she would get in one of her moods similar to the one i'm in now, she would have her songs playing (back then it was from a cassette tape) and she would write the lyrics down. i wonder if she ever found out that that could be used as a form of mediation? that's what i need right now. either that or Goo$e but whatever. either way, the mission is to fall asleep. "lights will guide you home..." i could see myself running to this song. honestly the only reason why i write my thoughts here is because it's convenient. don't have to look for pen or paper and i don't have to turn on the lights. of course the pro to having your personal thoughts kept personal, you don't have to edit them or try to be careful. hmph. and ppl think i don't care about them. lol :/ "when you're too in love to let it go..." lol ever find yourself singing a love song and realize that you're not singing to anyone in particular but to an idea of a person? smh. my best friends are helping me remain honest with myself. i love them so much. all of them. it's 3 am and i'm thinking about me and my bed. i'm thinking about my ex-fiance and how life is so funny that he and i don't even speak anymore. and we used to be so "in love". i think about my friends and their failed relationships and how each one was "the one". rme. i just want someone who would love me the way i want to be loved. treat me the way i want to be treated. is that a damn sin? rme. sigh. may not be but it's a hell of a wait. believe it or not, i'm not complaining about it. it hasn't come my way and God has his reasons. i appreciate life for what it is at the moment. i wonder if i'll be awake all night? it's after 3 "when u feel so tired and u can't sleep..." sigh. "when you love someone and it goes to waste..." "if you'll never know just what you're worth..." i love you Martin but Javier Colon's voice has a different effect on me. i'm awake and all i want to do is lay wrapped in your arms and fall asleep. you insensitive ass. :( "tears stream down your face and i....." "i promise you i will learn from my mistakes..."

Lyrics to the Song I could never claim credit for:

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want and not what you need
And you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
i will try to fix u

When high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
And if you never try, you'll never know just what ur worth

lights will guide you home and ignite ur bones
And i will try to fix you

tears stream down your face
when you lose something you could not replace
tears stream down your face and i....
tears stream down your face
i promise you i will learn from my mistakes
tears stream down ur face and i...

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones and i will try to fix you

Song by Coldplay; Cover by Javier Colon

A stolen quote that i promise myself i will live by (and no, i have no intentions of mentioning the author i took it from): "Love without obsession and raving infatuation does not appeal to me"and it never will.

Dear Emotions,

Dear Emotions,
Please go away. Never to return until I ask you to stay. It's not you, it's me. My reasoning is clouded when you are around and I can't tell if I'm using or abusing you. You are so great to me and I just don't deserve you. I really hope you can understand. I remember when we used to enjoy each others presence but now things have changed between us and I know it's my fault. I just need sometime to me, myself and I.  Well, not entirely. Logic might come to spend some time with me. Maybe the three of us could eventually spend time together. I just feel that if I am on my own, I wouldn't use you as a clutch. You know? I hope one day you could see past this and we could be friends.

Your Lover,
Anandi

"If I Died, What Would Be the Difference?"

If I died there would be no difference. Not for you at least.

Lol. It's funny when I'm writing these things, no one can figure out who I'm talking about and those closest to me speculate and some go paranoid. It's not about wanting to be mysterious. Lord knows when I'm comfortable I'll talk my life story. I just believe in keeping personal things, personal. Sometimes. When I'm writing a piece, or my thoughts, it's honestly just random and in one blog I could be talking about five different people all at once. Sometimes, it's not even from my point-of-view that I'm writing but I like to think about what might be going on through the minds of others and if I feel it, I'll write it.

I like the song from Erykah Badu "AppleTree" because "I don't walk around trying to be what I'm not, I don't waste my time trying to get what you got, I work at pleasing me cause I can't please you and that's why I do what I do..." Sometimes these artists just sing and speak as if they are in our heads. I know I'm not the only one to feel like this.

Life is an ever changing being that is directed by its host. And sometimes what we may feel are mistakes can be minor stepping stones to success. Lol. Sometimes, when we take a different route, it feels like if we're in one of those mazes where you take a wrong turn and end up at a dead end. Lol. But there's no such thing as a dead end. It's all just mentality. Everything we do, feel, breathe, live is all cognitive. If a doctor pronounces you "brain dead" there is nothing that the heart will do but follow its master. Maybe if we all thought more like that we'd be able to 'control' our feelings. Who we like, what we do, and other. Maybe life wouldn't be "difficult".

"Think and that is" something like that. Idk. Felt like rambling. Feel like if I died there would be no difference. But only because that's not what I was thinking about. I was thinking about someone. And the thought approached itself. I went off on a tangent because I don't feel like entertaining the thought any further. So I won't.

"Playin'" View

I give up on the whole idea of trying to find someone. I don't like the games that people use to manipulate the other for their disturbing pleasure.
"Give attention, but don't give too much."
"Make them want you more than you want them."
"Never show someone how much you want/love them."
"It's not about who you love, but who loves you."
"It's man thing, they're supposed to cheat."
"Stop asking for so much attention."
"It's not me, it's you."
"It's not you, it's me."
Who the hell came up with these rules and what fucked up individual did they have to deal with that they decided this is the way things have to be?
Is this how people find the one they want to spend their lives with?!?
Leave me the fuck out of it. Is either you do or you don't. You will or you won't. Keep your fucking pride, just know that it's me that you'll lose. And if I'm not that fuckin important to chase after then there's no reason for me to take things personally. You're just "not that into me". And there's nothing wrong with that. And if you were acting right, there would be no need for a chase, I'd be right by your side damn fool. People say they want someone and then when they do get that "someone" they play the fuckin field of games. This is exactly why I'm single. I can't take the bullshit. I already know I'm a lil off but I don't need you to mind fuck me and make me think that I'm the imaginative bitch in the group. (Pause)
I'm tight. I am fuckin tight. But you know what....woo-sah motherfucker.

Thought of

as i lay there staring up at my dark ceiling
i'm wondering if any of my actions would lead to my desired outcomes
i don't even know what they are
strange enough i'm not confused
at least i don't think so
it's hard to directly express my feelings
bound by the fears of what others might think
i'm inhaling the smoke of my cigarette stick
allowing the clouds of its effects to encircle my mind
exhaling, i deceive myself into believing
that i've exhaled all the negative energy out
but all i've really done is trap it inside of me
i think negatively
especially when it comes to me
but change, i would like to change that thought
to a positive one
i don't look back because life always moves forward
but as i lay here
the thoughts of you dominates all others
and i remember us
someone asked me if i purposely stay absent to make the heart grow fonder
but i ask u, isn't it "out of sight, out of mind?"
not that i want to be out of mind
just saying that the previous question has its own contradiction
fast forward one year
i'm excited to just wonder what things would be like
but if i know now then to what do i have to look forward
a friend of mines likes to tell me
i have a problem with instant gratification
i want it, all the time
she must be right
i gave myself up so easily because of my eagerness
and now what is there to look forward?
no chase, no courting...
my thoughts are all entangled
meditation is the key
to release all these thoughts pent up inside of me
i know what i want
i just hope i still want it when i get it

2:27 AM

so i'm awake again haunted by insomnia u'd swear she was my lover. smh. i could use this time to work on a cut, find some photographers to shoot with, write a treatment or two but i don't want to. i just want to sleep. the playlist is helping but it's not enough. my brain running too fast for my own thoughts to catch up and if that didn't make sense to you i can't help you.

the topic of the night is about being used and allowing it. let me start by saying i agree wholeheartedly that we are all here to be used. so i will rephrase - the topic is about being taken advantage of and allowing it. hmmmm. don't feel like elaborating.

end 2:49 AM

Queen

In my eyes she is my Queen.

Wrapped in her evanescing  definition of

empress beauty. she is more.

I miss her.

The sweetest inhalation to my high

The deepest breath to my inner being

Connecting with its own thoughts

My oh my are her juices sweet

The sweetest nectar I’ve ever tasted

Plucked at a young age, introduced to

 womanhood by force

She maintains her grace

Sweet breath over my face

Her kisses awakens my soul

To its very core

And engorges my phallus

The feeling that her lingering fingers

Touches me with seduces me into

Releasing  my being into hers

Mingling the juices of intimacy and sweet

Possibilities that this could last forever

3:24 AM

So I'm awake thinking about how long it would take me to wake up and get up out of this hole I have learned to call my life. Listening to Linkin Park thinking if they can break their habits then why can't i. he ws right i'm trying to run from myself. silly little girl. apparently. i laid here watching the calendar life of my past three months. talk bout drama. shim, i would be mad at me too if i didn't know myself any better. i guess what i find to be normal others find to be absurdly capricious.  oops. sigh. and maybe that's why ppl get md at me cause oops and sigh seem to be my ultimate responses as I move along with my life and leave others behind. bitch. who me? o. maybe. sorry. well, not really. cause i told you what it was from the beginning. never once did i lie. and that's the honest truth cause lord knows I'm Carrie crazy. so no, i wouldn't lie just tell u the truth with a smile. i'm tired but this damn insomnia is back again. my own thoughts won't leave me alone. did u know there's a difference between "won't"and "wont"?? anyway..yeah..thoughts..harassment. damn I'm annoying. ugh. i need a hug. sigh. don't touch me. don't act like if i'm the crazy one you're the one who drew the mental image of urself hugging me after I said i needed a hug. ugh. yeah...i'm this crazy. no wait. don't go. i'll leave.

Love Deferred

And she said to me that he isn't mine to have. two different paths that just happened to cross but it wasn't meant to be entangled. she said to me that I only had one purpose in his life and now that the purpose has been fulfilled I must let go and let him move on. and this he has to understand. and she said to me to wake up because there are other purposes that I am destined to. I wonder if I hid from her, if she, Fate, would find me.

More Than

I am more than just a hot ride on a Friday night
The sweet fuck of your Saturday plans
And a prayer for more head on a Sunday morning

I am more than the incessant phone calls after I've ignored your first ten
Don't worry about me now because when you were my prey there was no interest then

I am more than a vegetarian meal
This girl is to be eaten not just fed
Lol, I mean, I'm not all conversation either

I am more than just the yo-yo in your pocket
A boomerang in your backpack
And a frisbee for your damn dog

You want to know who am I?
You don't deserve that kind of time
And neither do I

unspoken

no explanation is needed when all that was needed to be said was spoken. I would've preferred if you had remained my favorite memory than to be the one who hurts me.

pain awakens life and reason

is there really anything more to add to that statement?

Loving Me!

I finally found the "One"! And they love me with all the Love that God has provided them to give to me. The one who listens to me when I speak, cry, laugh, or whisper. The one who lets me know that I am worth Loving and showing Love to. I found the one, the one who is ME.


Tired and exhausted of trying to find something that was already within me externally. I understand now why I am so tired. The search was useless because I am who I was looking for. It's funny that we don't listen to ourselves when we speak. If you are asking the question as to why others cannot be like YOU then maybe the person you are really trying to spend time with is yourself! And this should not be taken in a negative light because if you do not enjoy spending time with you then by God, who will appreciate the beauty that is within you? 


Shadowed by fear of conceit when all you are asking for is appreciation. Shadowed by fear of rejection when all you are asking for is appreciation. Shadowed by fear of rejection, when the real rejection is coming from within. 

MIZ Update

I feel as if I'm just living life
No purpose
No sense of direction
Just living.

all alone

pain is a mental notion that can hurt with just a thought
minds tricks we tend to blame on others
usually stem from our own fears first
in order to leave such a harsh imprint buried within our chest cavities

*"The Sound of Silence"

when silence surrounds me, it is loud. but only when i don't want it.
silence can bring peace but peace is disrupted once the inner soul realizes
that solitude is real.
but sometimes there is a thing called "too much" and too much is just much too much.
i am not alone nor do i feel lonely.
but my solace has turned itself against me
beating down on my walls that i took so carefully to, to build.
(pause) my thoughts are racing faster than i can type
and internally there is a voice shouting
"Slow Down!  Woman Slow Down! (sigh) That's how you get hurt."
"Learn," it says to me, "learn to value you above all but learn to love all above you.
because only then will you learn what true love is."
This voice....it does not mean stalk, or **macko, or control....just, love.
but there is a reason i am awake. the irony -  i am asleep.
not a literal sleep but...anyway, just think about it.
it is the silence, that wonderful taunting sound of silence
that remains my overbearing reminder
that i am asleep while i am awake.


*though the song by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel was playing in my head, this has nothing to do with the song.
**to mind other people business but in a nosy unethical way (something to that effect)

Frustration within the Happiness

Frustrated by the judgments around me
Isolated by the decisions that I make
Just like everyone else...
I am happy in my frustration
Because in this frustration
My decisions are my own...
I wish they would just ask
Instead of speculate...
Then maybe, maybe they would understand specifically me
Opposing the general me as if I were everyone else including them...
A wish - just like everyone else...
Then I guess generally they are just like me and I am only the mirror...
They mirror me...
My thoughts randomize in order to try over-standing what They think of me...and why..
A conversation in the mind - cognitive, non-verbal...
I wish it were verbal...
Maybe it will be-
But not before
Not before the frustration within the happiness is removed and replaced-
Replaced with serene love and understanding of the individual
And not a generalization

Film In Progress

I have decided to stop being mad at my College for wasting my time and loans.  I have a degree that must be finished.  I will take my career into my own hands.  I know what needs to be done.  And my body is already used to staying up until five in the morning.  So, tonight, at 1:46 A.M. I'm going to go to sleep now.  But tomorrow night/late night, it's down to business.  why waste time being up to watch television?  I've studied every show that I love.  I can see the cuts.  I can see the mistakes.  I admire the transitions and make mental notes about what I would like to try and a different set of mental notes of what not to try.  So all I have to do now, is allow myself to try.