Following Up

Read the post about two back, wow... October seemed so far away when contemplating the events that happened between then and now. As opposed to a month/two, it seemed like it was much earlier this year. "What a difference a day makes," agrees Mat Kearney. Lol. I don't miss that individual anymore. Too much has happened. There's nothing for me to miss and I've long moved on. I'm still working on "Explicitly Yours..." and it's kind of at a halt for now but in fairness to me, it hasn't been a year as yet that I started writing the project. So many questions that I need to be able to answer to myself like, "Do I name my character?" "Should I keep everyone's name ambiguous?" Ah! Food's here. Got to run :)

Murky Waters

Emerging thoughts occupy my mind
as your face swims through the lanes of my brain
Leave me alone if I am never to see you again
Bless me with your presence if you and I are connected eternally
Follow my thoughts
Do you think the same?
As I drown in you
The laps you pull in strength overflows
the pool of thoughts from my mind
straight into the depths of my being
This is unfair
as I barely make a splash in your waters
This is unfair
I never learned how to swim in someone else's pool

#Classic #FactAboutMe

I've always said it's good to keep a journal/blog - anything that expresses your thoughts, written somewhere, anywhere, for you to find. I just read some stuff from last year on this site, exactly a year ago, and it's so funny I saw what I was going to step into and thought I would avoid it. But I didn't. The more I tried to run, the more I slipped and fell, fell hard. I don't miss the people I used to miss a year ago. As a matter of fact I saw myself falling for someone else and to put things in a simple metaphor: I saw the truck coming but was stuck like a deer in headlights and I got hit. I got hit baaaad. lol. He compared us to two birds  - or was it one?? - on a snowy roof top. I can write this here b/c i more than believe he will never read this. lol. But yeah, bird on a rooftop snowboarding. It was really an incredible thing to see. And when he showed it to me and said that was us, I said to him that to me it looked like if the bird/birds (I can't remember if it was one or two) just kept doing the same thing over and over expecting something else to happen and yet ended up... oh - what I said was "a fun ride that will never go anywhere..." After he got upset lol he said to me quite some time after that it was something that was happening that you would never expect to happen. In retrospect, we were both right. I never expected it to happen and it never went anywhere. Ha. - That was a solemn "ha." I miss him.

#MAkeITZen

It's funny the assumptions I receive when people hear the word "Zen." The automated responses are "This girl is a Buddhist." "She's not following God." "She's straying from her own religion."

Recently one of my greatest friends told me that he could not use my trademark "MakeITZen" because it's "against [his] religion." Not mentioning your name or the project (cause I know you're probably reading this lol). And we will talk about it on our own but this is a part of the path so I've decided to blog about it.  Anywhooo...

I cannot speak on Buddhism because I haven't studied it as I've studied my own religion. I understand 'Zen' (putting it in quotation marks is driving me nuts) is a part of Buddhism. Zen is a practice of awareness. It is about paying attention to yourself, others, and the connection that we all share with one another taking out the idea of a "separate self" and, honestly, to me, also a practice of empathy - one I'm practicing.  From what I've noticed about all religions is that they all speak of a sense of connectedness, of being one with each other. So I cannot begin to understand Zen being against any religion. Another friend, who practices the same religion as the other, said that Meditating was against their religion. I don't think everyone understands what meditation is used for. Or maybe it's me who do not comprehend the concept and I am under some sort of illusion that this does not go against God. If anything, I find that it would bring us closer to God, the more we meditate. Prayers are meant to be said in a quiet space. If you chant an aphorism or other, can you not find the similarities in what you are saying in both?

By all means my intention is not to stray away from extending compassion towards my friends who cannot or choose not to understand Zen but to acknowledge my own thoughts towards this comment that obviously remained with me. ALSO I am not saying that I am right and they are wrong. This is all matters of opinions.

I will leave this blog though with one of my favorite quotes:
"No one path can lay claim to the truth." ~ Ezra Bayda

All comments are welcomed.

Traveling the path of Zen

For sometime I have felt disconnected from myself and from my path. I didn't stop practicing but I did stop reading. And at times when I should have used practice, I turned to my old defense mechanisms - only to remember that this too is a part of the 'path'. I wasn't totally disconnected but there were inner struggles that led me to a breaking point. Hurtful but necessary. Not all breaking points need to be hurtful but I've only heard that ignorance is bliss and knowledge is power. But that's not what Zen is about. Zen is not about power. It's about awareness. I've wanted so badly to feel justified about my recent pains that I forgot about Being Kindness. I forgot to look within. I didn't even consider what the other person was/is going through. I just looked at my pain. I ignored the emotions and went straight to the "I'm not being treated fairly." And I think that sentence alone is one that is 'unfair'.  It is unfair because it's a surface thought with no intention of an understanding. And it hurts just saying it even if nothing is going on.

According to Ezra Bayda, author of "Zen Heart," our blaming others and anger towards others is a form of power struggle. I think it's an internal struggle that ignores both the real self and the other person involved. I really like Ezra's writing in this book because he talks a lot about remembering to look within and remembering the core of Being Kindness. It's a peaceful thought to treat others with love even when you may not get that in return. Or even better, I think, it's peaceful to treat others with love without expecting anything in return. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't feel anything. It just lessens the pressure on you and the expectations of the other person.

I'm usually not specific about what I'm going through and even with specifics, I never give 100% details of what's going on in any of my blogs. But I will say, the person I was recently involved with  may be thinking (in my head - I must recognize that these are my thoughts) that there is no way I could be on a Zen path because I tend to let my emotions get the best of me. And I do. I'm working on it. And I felt guilty and sad and a lot of other negative emotions because I allowed other thoughts to maneuver  its way into my head but then I thought about it again - I'm on a path. I'm not there. And when you think you're there, I've read that that's when you realize you're still learning, and I said to myself - "Who gets to enjoy the music of a musician? The neighbors next door to them or the people at the performance?" Lol. He was my teacher. Not my enemy. I was his - whether he noticed it or not. The teachers will always see the growth, the faults, the frustrations... not giving my or his actions/reactions an excuse. But not beating us up about it either.

From the Mind of a Subject

I'm tired of being the subject of your blogs
Hidden messages and repetitions of how I blatantly disregard you
Yet you cannot say my name.
I'm tired of being the subject on your matters
Because face to face you're smiling and you're nodding
But when you put finger to keyboard, you then state your case.
Talk to me.
Address me.
Stop putting me out there -
a man with no place of defense because your followers do not know me but judge me
F*** them.
When it's me and you, it's real.
But then your over-thinking becomes overbearing and you ruin what I hold dear to me.
If your blogs would match your words I would have no reason to stare at you awkwardly.
Supposedly,
It's your mouth that ruins the messages because when it's just thought and output you speak it so clearly.
Maybe you should just try to understand me better instead of putting me - no! - caging me in this box where you would like to label me but when the label doesn't fit the description you're staring at me with tears in yours eyes.
I have to let you walk away because when you're staring with tears neither you or I are thinking clearly.
Dearly Anandi,
You stain my feelings for you day by day when you destruct what we have taken our time to construct;
And that's not fair.
I'm tired of being the subject of your blogs.
Your objectification insults me.
Just talk to me.

I Miss You

I missed you today.
I opened my eyes and saw someone looking back at me
Made me avert my glance because I did not recognize this stranger staring at me
Staring at me with squinted eyes and an awkward gaze
So I walked away
But when I turned to the side
I thought I saw you again
So I looked, but it was only this same stranger, looking back at me
with no words to say
Sadness overshadowed me and taunted me with imaginary replicas of you that followed me
Replaying in my mind over and over, that stranger watching me
But he looked so much like you
Whomever he was, he wasn't you
Because you would never let me walk away from you
Or from us.
I don't like strangers.
The audacity of this man to wear your face and flaunt your cologne
Only to see the look upon my face
And to watch me walk away

I missed you today.

I opened my eyes and saw someone looking back at me

Made me avert my glance because I did not recognize this stranger staring at me

But he looked so much like you

Whomever he was, he wasn't you

Because you would never let me walk away from you

Or from us.

I don't like strangers.

See You...

Stopped by to see you today
to see if I could scratch your head to listen for your thoughts...
... brush my face against yours,
like a cat showing its affection.

I wanted to see you today
to see that smile walk across your face
like something that you would want to hide but could never...
... to see your eyes avoid mine because if you looked at me you would see my own, searching,
trying to understand your soul
though, ha... all your windows are closed anyway.

I'm happy I didn't see you today.
As your soul attracts my own
It unfairly categorizes me with the minds in your collections
And seeing you only makes my eyes want to see you more -
today, tomorrow, and always.
And that's not fair.

Thank you for not being there.

Dear Anandi,

Stop texting while drinking. Better yet, stop drinking. It doesn't seem very Zen like. It's not. Control your actions with logic and emotion, not just emotion. You're using the alcohol as an excuse to be honest about your feelings when really... you don't get drunk easily. Haha. So who are you trying to fool? Because you know better.

Keep reading Zen lady. Keep focused but don't focus on your slips; be aware of them. Don't get caught up in your good moments either, lest you forget that you can slip. Take your own advice to Make IT Zen. Your IT at this moment is self-control from all aspects.

Namaste,
Your Sane Self

There is no Contradiction... You're just one-sided

To the Love of My Age 26,

You say that after reading my work you would never believe that I am the same person that you know. I even listened and followed your words so directly like an icicle refusing to fall off a tree that I believed every word and noted myself as the "walking contradiction". Kudos to you "Soulful Speaker" but you can wipe your ass now cause I'm done smelling your shit. I am not a contradiction but a full individual who acknowledges her thoughts and is learning how to recognize how those thoughts fit into her world. When I express my emotions as it refers to love or inner thoughts,you appreciate the passion within the words... question... do you know Passion to be just from one direction? I am a passionate being when it comes to everything that I do, write, or preach. I do not contradict myself. I contradict the thoughts you had of me. And that my Love, is not my problem.

Ream of Thoughts

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be His name, but hollow is my heart. vast expressions by untimely deaths of little pieces to my heart and soul crumble before me in the midst of affected smiles; I can't stand it. I am overwhelmed by the grief you and I have caused to circulate within my veins so carelessly discarded as if our ties mean nothing to you. and they don't. obviously. I can hear your nonchalant protests that only magnify my anger towards your jaded complacence - why can't I ever write about anything happy? - does it sound the same? dissatisfied with the outcome though I was the one who created the script. How can pretense hurt? this script can't work anymore. I'd prefer to re-write your character into one that wants to and would and could be there the way I selfishly would prefer designed. but we are not Pen and Paper. Humans are a bit more complicated than puppets on a stage. I have to leave this performance. I just wish it didn't have to hurt doing it. Cut the strings for me? But be gentle. These bonds pinch at my skin and peels off layers of my being and yet the pain makes me feel alive; it makes me FEEL. Confusing pain for sentiment is distractingly a point of idiocy. His will be done Because as I write my own script, I show my lacking abilities to grasp a realistic concept. Because if God gave me the script and said "Re-write it," I'd write you back in it hoping for a different outcome each time no matter how many scraps of paper it would take. I'm more than certain that there is a universe out there where that script actually exists as a reality. I'm more than certain of it. Somewhere out there, there is a world with bright, golden-yellow skies, where there is no need to work but people do it anyway because it makes them happy and so we'd have clean parks and home gardens where we planted our fruits, vegetables, and weed. Drinks in the purple moonlight shared by lovers whose only desire is to please the other, You and I, pregnant with child, in love, Professors of Philosophy, again a profession by choice not forced by society, money, or politics - just driven by love and passion. Mata deau sono hi made --- "Until the day we meet again" my fellow writer in that universe - His will be done.

Black Cherry

kindled passions thought of. as misunderstandings raise emotions not logic. rare to define itself within a box that is determined to not exist. i am the invisible touch against your skin. my eyes are the ones you see when you close your own against darkness. but i do not exist. your touch, the catalyst to my inner being. enticing and hurtful all at once. i am your black cherry. longing to be on your lips. only to nourish your soul, your very inner core, but. vows to you are meaningless and actions keep you skeptical. even though my stem shows outwardly. you do not believe in me. let me be the juice that waters your mouth, let my curves be the ones you hold in your palms. let my nerves be the ones to tickle your thoughts. I want to be your muse, instead all i have done is amuse you with my black cherry, filled with your barren seed

Thoughts at the End of the Day

The thoughts to write to you encourage me to bare my feelings and leaves an imprint for a better writer, authoress, coming forth seen as another person from out of my own body. I feel as if when the creativity sets in that it is another person, another being that uses me to speak/write. And when the message is written I am back to "normal" and continue to be "Anandi".

It's Been a Long Time My Friend

Written suppression expression upon my worried face Laced and interlaced into locks that will never comb out Finely printed into the atoms of the cells on the walls that make up my skin I am Breathing shallowly until I have realized that the breaths I take are superficial But the substance lay within that which was put out from my body Swallowed into a choking fiasco that laughs out loud whenever I am lost for words Amused by a failed disposition I am not Taken seriously until I humiliate the one that helps to oppress me more than I already have for myself Is this what my strength has dwindled to? Hurting others so that I may feel happy but not actually be happy I am Better than that person whom you perceive me to be And I am Not sorry for being who I choose to be

Aim High Hit Low

Dont ask what the title is about I really dont want to tell you My thoughts have changed so many times in between thinking about this processing it through my fingers and actually writing it and really like any other life situation i just don't know where it is going to go. i decided to give up on my life not on some suicidal ish moreover the i give my life to you God because apparently im making a mess out of it way so yeah i give up ish just aint working the way i want it to and honestly i cant wait to be happy about that statement but right now im just angry at that fact can you be angry with a fact A walking contradiction true as it may be i just dont see you marrying me and im not talking about priests and veils and blessed wedding rings that come along with a ceremony im talking life in general you just were not meant for me two separate paths of aggression you say assertive i say passive aggressive children grow up to become not adults but older children caught in the I won business but this was never a competition i leave no periods commas or other grammatical helpers because in life we seem to skip over those and just keep on rambling up what we have been given born with gold spoons to spit it out and take in for cheap metal thinking it would have the same effect but it could never i am to move on now because it is no longer a choice pointed needles soiled with the blood of a dirty prostitute you are not an object to me for an object has substance you are not a subject for me because after a while everyone gets bored an object an object an object dont give yourself so much credit

S.i.S.syyyyy

Suffering in Silence listening to music. A choice made with a twisting emotion destined to regurgitate what one may think is right and settle for what is wrong because the pleasure of wrong is instant gratification. Sitting its Struggles within me learning to bare with it as opposed to just getting rid of it or ignoring it. Smiling is Slyly deceiving because when you smile no one suspects pain. Pain is seen as weakness and I have no time for it to be a public announcement. Life right now is gladly only a choice between single and looking versus involved and dissatisfied. But that weak heffa inside of me sings every Gawd-damned night "Anytime you need a lover call on me..." Surely it Shows whenever I am caught off guard but I don't care. Eventually suffering will be forgotten, I'll be sitting in peace once more similar to how I felt when I met you, and my smile will be a constant flirtation with Life. And the song, the song will simply belong to someone else.

My Thoughts on "HappyThankYouMorePlease"

The worse movie EVER created!!!! Ok. No seriously. That was the best movie I have ever come across in a long time. Yes it's a chic flick. Yes even the sad moments were happy. Every single frame, every single scene made me all ooey gooey mushy inside and it brought hope back into my life. Yes...a movie brought hope back into my life. Hope about what??? A hope that "quirkiness" is acceptable and that it's ok to be happy w/o wondering if the Universe is going to pay you back with Negativity as a balance to the Positive things in life.

First off, my good friend who suggested this movie to me and who shall remain nameless, should have told me that "Johnny #2" was the protagonist of this movie. Josh Radnor, prob most famously known from the TV sitcom "How I Met Your Mother," looks like my Johnny Depp. Same cheek bones, same nose....  and man, oh man, do I love the dark hair, scruffy face look. Yummmm... Lol. And the little boy?! Man! Dude! I wanted to adopt him. Talk about A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E. LOL)

Second, the term "Thank you, more please".... I think this I will adopt into my life. Continue to be grateful for life itself and enjoy it, even when sad and scary moments happen. This couldn't be more "Ghandi-ish" if I thought about it less. Ghandi said, "We must be the change we want to see in this world," and it is really something to consider.  I would like to see more love in this world. Coming from a Christian point-of-view I tell my two best friends (M&D) that we must be Love because God is Love and if he made us in his own image then, logically, we must be Love. And uhhh...in case you didn't pick up on it, M&D stands for Mom & Dad. And thanking God, or the Universe, for this Love and asking for "more, please?" opens us spiritually to continue to accept the positive things in this life. That doesn't mean that the intimidating events would never come but definitely helps to bring a smile on especially when there is no serious reason to frown.

Third, watch the movie. If you're tired of being angry just to be angry, or down, just to be down and you need a pick-me-up...watch the movie.

Thanks Good Friend. More please?


ALG

OK...So call me a Contradiction

IDC.... LMAO. I don't mind being a walking contradiction. It means that I am not set in my own thoughts. I have no qualms questioning my own beliefs. I don't mind being my own quagmire. Everything I do/ say has a purpose/justification. I spoke in the last blog about "Make It Zen" being a contradiction and yet in its own right, the title is justified. I am open to most thoughts and open to hearing most of other's p.o.v.(s) but at the end of the day, I still hold to what I want to hold to. Even if you just spoke for an hour or two. That's not time wasted. I get to hear you and try to understand where you are coming from. Doesn't mean I'm going to change my mind on what I think. Or maybe I would but just not right away. >shrug< who knows?? But all I can say is at the end of the day, contradicting or not, I can honestly say I try to be a better person. i do try. I just don't beat myself up for it. Many people get lost in their own practices of being "right" or their modality of thinking. Nothing is wrong with that. Studying Zen books...well...reading Zen books help me to understand that bringing peace to ones self isn't about change but acknowledgement. And it has nothing to do with how your "neighbour" views you. It's all about realizing who you are as a person and noticing your own patterns and the paths that you choose. Not every path I've chosen was or will be correct but I will continue choosing as I see fit. So call me a Contradiction just don't shorten the word to "Cont" (Pronounced "Cunt")....at least not to my face...that's just mean. :D

Keep on smiling and Make IT Zen. ALG.

Writing isn't easy

I just need one weekend to myself...not this weekend. This one belonged to my family and so far i'm loving it. buuuuut.... maybe a day of next weekend i'll stay in and just write. complete "Explicitly Yours..." and get to publishing. i'm excited about the book. and i want to put that excitement into it so every reader could feel it and as vibes usually go they will feel excited too.

on another note.... Make IT Zen is such a contradiction. The title that is... b/c you can't force anything within the Zen world. It just has to come naturally. I should have it as "Be It Zen" or "It's Zen" But life is what you make it and that's what brought that title "make it zen" about. So i guess it's fine :)