Insomniac

I believe this "Make It Zen" blog can now officially be called "Random Blogs of the Insomniac". i laugh when I get emails from WebMD titled "How do you know if you're having problems sleeping?" Lol :/ how else other than you're not sleeping! :/ silly wabbits. so i made a new playlist tonight of a bunch of oldies with a few current oldies. songs of my mother's time mixed with songs of mine. 29 in total and in the end i just have one on repeat. smh. as my family faces death again as an old friend, life is constantly being brought to the forefront. how i'm living it, how i'm not, what were the older generation doing at my age...things of that nature. "lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and i will try to fix you..." my fav ln in the song. "tears stream down your face when you lose something you could not replace." i have a cousin who used to do this. whenever she would get in one of her moods similar to the one i'm in now, she would have her songs playing (back then it was from a cassette tape) and she would write the lyrics down. i wonder if she ever found out that that could be used as a form of mediation? that's what i need right now. either that or Goo$e but whatever. either way, the mission is to fall asleep. "lights will guide you home..." i could see myself running to this song. honestly the only reason why i write my thoughts here is because it's convenient. don't have to look for pen or paper and i don't have to turn on the lights. of course the pro to having your personal thoughts kept personal, you don't have to edit them or try to be careful. hmph. and ppl think i don't care about them. lol :/ "when you're too in love to let it go..." lol ever find yourself singing a love song and realize that you're not singing to anyone in particular but to an idea of a person? smh. my best friends are helping me remain honest with myself. i love them so much. all of them. it's 3 am and i'm thinking about me and my bed. i'm thinking about my ex-fiance and how life is so funny that he and i don't even speak anymore. and we used to be so "in love". i think about my friends and their failed relationships and how each one was "the one". rme. i just want someone who would love me the way i want to be loved. treat me the way i want to be treated. is that a damn sin? rme. sigh. may not be but it's a hell of a wait. believe it or not, i'm not complaining about it. it hasn't come my way and God has his reasons. i appreciate life for what it is at the moment. i wonder if i'll be awake all night? it's after 3 "when u feel so tired and u can't sleep..." sigh. "when you love someone and it goes to waste..." "if you'll never know just what you're worth..." i love you Martin but Javier Colon's voice has a different effect on me. i'm awake and all i want to do is lay wrapped in your arms and fall asleep. you insensitive ass. :( "tears stream down your face and i....." "i promise you i will learn from my mistakes..."

Lyrics to the Song I could never claim credit for:

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want and not what you need
And you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
i will try to fix u

When high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
And if you never try, you'll never know just what ur worth

lights will guide you home and ignite ur bones
And i will try to fix you

tears stream down your face
when you lose something you could not replace
tears stream down your face and i....
tears stream down your face
i promise you i will learn from my mistakes
tears stream down ur face and i...

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones and i will try to fix you

Song by Coldplay; Cover by Javier Colon

A stolen quote that i promise myself i will live by (and no, i have no intentions of mentioning the author i took it from): "Love without obsession and raving infatuation does not appeal to me"and it never will.

Dear Emotions,

Dear Emotions,
Please go away. Never to return until I ask you to stay. It's not you, it's me. My reasoning is clouded when you are around and I can't tell if I'm using or abusing you. You are so great to me and I just don't deserve you. I really hope you can understand. I remember when we used to enjoy each others presence but now things have changed between us and I know it's my fault. I just need sometime to me, myself and I.  Well, not entirely. Logic might come to spend some time with me. Maybe the three of us could eventually spend time together. I just feel that if I am on my own, I wouldn't use you as a clutch. You know? I hope one day you could see past this and we could be friends.

Your Lover,
Anandi

"If I Died, What Would Be the Difference?"

If I died there would be no difference. Not for you at least.

Lol. It's funny when I'm writing these things, no one can figure out who I'm talking about and those closest to me speculate and some go paranoid. It's not about wanting to be mysterious. Lord knows when I'm comfortable I'll talk my life story. I just believe in keeping personal things, personal. Sometimes. When I'm writing a piece, or my thoughts, it's honestly just random and in one blog I could be talking about five different people all at once. Sometimes, it's not even from my point-of-view that I'm writing but I like to think about what might be going on through the minds of others and if I feel it, I'll write it.

I like the song from Erykah Badu "AppleTree" because "I don't walk around trying to be what I'm not, I don't waste my time trying to get what you got, I work at pleasing me cause I can't please you and that's why I do what I do..." Sometimes these artists just sing and speak as if they are in our heads. I know I'm not the only one to feel like this.

Life is an ever changing being that is directed by its host. And sometimes what we may feel are mistakes can be minor stepping stones to success. Lol. Sometimes, when we take a different route, it feels like if we're in one of those mazes where you take a wrong turn and end up at a dead end. Lol. But there's no such thing as a dead end. It's all just mentality. Everything we do, feel, breathe, live is all cognitive. If a doctor pronounces you "brain dead" there is nothing that the heart will do but follow its master. Maybe if we all thought more like that we'd be able to 'control' our feelings. Who we like, what we do, and other. Maybe life wouldn't be "difficult".

"Think and that is" something like that. Idk. Felt like rambling. Feel like if I died there would be no difference. But only because that's not what I was thinking about. I was thinking about someone. And the thought approached itself. I went off on a tangent because I don't feel like entertaining the thought any further. So I won't.

"Playin'" View

I give up on the whole idea of trying to find someone. I don't like the games that people use to manipulate the other for their disturbing pleasure.
"Give attention, but don't give too much."
"Make them want you more than you want them."
"Never show someone how much you want/love them."
"It's not about who you love, but who loves you."
"It's man thing, they're supposed to cheat."
"Stop asking for so much attention."
"It's not me, it's you."
"It's not you, it's me."
Who the hell came up with these rules and what fucked up individual did they have to deal with that they decided this is the way things have to be?
Is this how people find the one they want to spend their lives with?!?
Leave me the fuck out of it. Is either you do or you don't. You will or you won't. Keep your fucking pride, just know that it's me that you'll lose. And if I'm not that fuckin important to chase after then there's no reason for me to take things personally. You're just "not that into me". And there's nothing wrong with that. And if you were acting right, there would be no need for a chase, I'd be right by your side damn fool. People say they want someone and then when they do get that "someone" they play the fuckin field of games. This is exactly why I'm single. I can't take the bullshit. I already know I'm a lil off but I don't need you to mind fuck me and make me think that I'm the imaginative bitch in the group. (Pause)
I'm tight. I am fuckin tight. But you know what....woo-sah motherfucker.

Thought of

as i lay there staring up at my dark ceiling
i'm wondering if any of my actions would lead to my desired outcomes
i don't even know what they are
strange enough i'm not confused
at least i don't think so
it's hard to directly express my feelings
bound by the fears of what others might think
i'm inhaling the smoke of my cigarette stick
allowing the clouds of its effects to encircle my mind
exhaling, i deceive myself into believing
that i've exhaled all the negative energy out
but all i've really done is trap it inside of me
i think negatively
especially when it comes to me
but change, i would like to change that thought
to a positive one
i don't look back because life always moves forward
but as i lay here
the thoughts of you dominates all others
and i remember us
someone asked me if i purposely stay absent to make the heart grow fonder
but i ask u, isn't it "out of sight, out of mind?"
not that i want to be out of mind
just saying that the previous question has its own contradiction
fast forward one year
i'm excited to just wonder what things would be like
but if i know now then to what do i have to look forward
a friend of mines likes to tell me
i have a problem with instant gratification
i want it, all the time
she must be right
i gave myself up so easily because of my eagerness
and now what is there to look forward?
no chase, no courting...
my thoughts are all entangled
meditation is the key
to release all these thoughts pent up inside of me
i know what i want
i just hope i still want it when i get it

2:27 AM

so i'm awake again haunted by insomnia u'd swear she was my lover. smh. i could use this time to work on a cut, find some photographers to shoot with, write a treatment or two but i don't want to. i just want to sleep. the playlist is helping but it's not enough. my brain running too fast for my own thoughts to catch up and if that didn't make sense to you i can't help you.

the topic of the night is about being used and allowing it. let me start by saying i agree wholeheartedly that we are all here to be used. so i will rephrase - the topic is about being taken advantage of and allowing it. hmmmm. don't feel like elaborating.

end 2:49 AM

Queen

In my eyes she is my Queen.

Wrapped in her evanescing  definition of

empress beauty. she is more.

I miss her.

The sweetest inhalation to my high

The deepest breath to my inner being

Connecting with its own thoughts

My oh my are her juices sweet

The sweetest nectar I’ve ever tasted

Plucked at a young age, introduced to

 womanhood by force

She maintains her grace

Sweet breath over my face

Her kisses awakens my soul

To its very core

And engorges my phallus

The feeling that her lingering fingers

Touches me with seduces me into

Releasing  my being into hers

Mingling the juices of intimacy and sweet

Possibilities that this could last forever

3:24 AM

So I'm awake thinking about how long it would take me to wake up and get up out of this hole I have learned to call my life. Listening to Linkin Park thinking if they can break their habits then why can't i. he ws right i'm trying to run from myself. silly little girl. apparently. i laid here watching the calendar life of my past three months. talk bout drama. shim, i would be mad at me too if i didn't know myself any better. i guess what i find to be normal others find to be absurdly capricious.  oops. sigh. and maybe that's why ppl get md at me cause oops and sigh seem to be my ultimate responses as I move along with my life and leave others behind. bitch. who me? o. maybe. sorry. well, not really. cause i told you what it was from the beginning. never once did i lie. and that's the honest truth cause lord knows I'm Carrie crazy. so no, i wouldn't lie just tell u the truth with a smile. i'm tired but this damn insomnia is back again. my own thoughts won't leave me alone. did u know there's a difference between "won't"and "wont"?? anyway..yeah..thoughts..harassment. damn I'm annoying. ugh. i need a hug. sigh. don't touch me. don't act like if i'm the crazy one you're the one who drew the mental image of urself hugging me after I said i needed a hug. ugh. yeah...i'm this crazy. no wait. don't go. i'll leave.